The perfect gift

The Christmas songs are interrupted by commercials claiming to have the gift for the person who has everything. Promises of the perfect gift coo out of my van speakers, slick marketing at its best, bringing out the worst of our commercialized holiday season.

We live within a cycle of buy more, do more and please more. Marketers already know that we have all we need, they even admit it when they suggest gifts for the person who has everything.
But what more do we need? What more do I need?

I've been thinking about the Christmas's I experienced growing up. It's counter-culture, but my memories aren't centred on the gifts I received. Rather, I remember the smells of fresh baking, incense wafting through the aisles at Church; the sounds of boots crunching through the snow, ice rattling around in my glass of pop; the taste of tea (which I drank to stay awake during the midnight service) and the mint chapstick that was faithfully tucked into my stocking every Christmas morning. Old videos captured from my childhood show a modest tree with lots of family gathered around. Watching the videos as an adult, I still feel the magic.

And maybe that's what everyone is still looking for. The magic. The love. The innocence.

None of which can be bought, wrapped and topped with a bow.

But here's the secret: you and I already have the magic. We were born with it, we carry it day by day, and we will leave this world with it. The magic is simply this: we were created with love, to love. And this love enables us to see the joy in the ordinary. God brought joy to the world through the birth of a baby boy in a dark corner of a cold stable, keeping company with lowly servants and animals.

What an amazing point God made. By sending His only son into this world through the most meagre means possible, God was sending a clear message about the true source of love and joy. Penthouse suite or filthy stable - the surroundings are meaningless because God has already provided us with all we need:

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin shall be with child and will give birth to a son and they will call him Immanuel, which means "God with us". (Matthew 1:22-23)

And there lies the truth: "God with us". Always and everywhere. What gift could be more perfect?

When the night is the darkest

This quote was featured on the front cover of my church bulletin. A wonderful reminder that we are never alone. "I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone, not when the night is the darkest, the wind coldest and the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses." ~ Taylor Caldwell

Christmas blessings

301. That my mom is okay.
302. Heart-felt apologies.
303. Words of anger that are able to morph into understanding (through God's grace).
304. Christmas gatherings with husband's family
305. Watching son hand out presents.
306. Turkey dinners prepared with love and served with style.
307. Husband's arms to cradle me.
308. Safe journeys on icy winter roads.
309. Opportunities to serve.
310. Playdates with friends.
311. Anticipation for Christ's birthday.
312. Heart to heart chats with husband.
313. Momma's smile when she laughs with the grandkids.
314. Playing board games with son.
315. Watching daughter dance.
316. Daughter's kisses that seem to make anything better.
317. Insurance to cover repairs.
318. Everyday Grace.
319. Reminders of the things that really matter.
320. Knowing that I already have all that I need.
321. A God who loves me for all my faults and never holds them against me.
322. Knowing that I am always worthy in His eyes.
323. The freedom to celebrate Christmas.
324. Nieces and nephews.
325. A fridge full of food.
326. A cluttered house full of blessings scattered throughout...
327. Being able to hug my children tight.
328. Goodnight kisses and cuddle time.
329.Daughter peeing on the potty (sorry, that's the mom side of me!)
330. Hearing son telling me I'm so stylish :)

Love and Light

This past week has been difficult. And yet, through the darkness, I see evidence of God's light in my life. Today I count the rays of love, in thanksgiving...

272. My brother's happiness. Congratulations Rob and Kirsten on your marriage.
273. My little man holding his uncle's ring at the altar. My heart was bursting with pride.
274. Car heaters on -44'C wedding day.
275. Pancakes made by the bride's mom.
276. Pictures washed in morning sunlight.
277. Migraine-free momma who got to enjoy her son's big day.
278. Speeches from the heart.
279. Darling daughter all dressed up to celebrate.
280. Grandparents and family to watch our little ones so mommy and daddy could play.
281. Piper's excitement to see me.
282. Good friends with unconditional support.
283. Cousin and friends to help with last minute details.
284. My guardian angel protecting me and daughter from harm.
285. Watching son beam as he said his lines in his Christmas play.
286. Sunlight dancing off the snow.
287. Warm duvets.
288. Husband to hold me when the days are dark.
289. Hearing son talk about his weekend and say "I'm a lucky boy."
290. New Years plans with a good friend.
291. Knowing that God provides me with comfort.
292. Whispers of encouragement.
293. Sleep!
294. Plans to see friends tomorrow.
295. Our advent calendar made by my mother-in-law. It means Christmas to me...
296. The sound of little feet coming into my room to cuddle on the bed.
297. Hot chocolate.
298. Loaned cars.
299. Errand-free Monday.
300. My family.

All that matters

Yesterday was a rotten day. I am still sick about it. My body is tense. My memory replaying the events without a shut-off button. The seeds of anger and blame still gestating in my gut.

I had a car accident. I was driving to pick up my son from preschool, when I hit a very icy patch on our subdivision road. Split seconds later, I was skidding out of control and hit the street light with a loud CRUNCH. Freezing weather made the front end of my van into tissue paper, and the front end was crunched into tiny pieces of confetti. The van rebounded from the pole and went 360' into the roadway. Once the movement ceased, I looked to my daughter in my back seat. Her eyes were wide, but she was fine. The only thing bruised was my ego. Outside, the radiator was oozing its pink fluid. The street light was unscathed, except for green paint transfer from my van. The front end of our van, that we just got back from the repair shop a few short months ago, was destroyed.

People started to stop. Questions of concern. One lady pulled over with her own minivan filled with two children, offering her cell phone. My neighbour stopped to move the van to the side of the road, blinkers on the warn others of the treacherous path.

Desperate phone calls ensued. Call to my husband - we're fine, the van's not. Please come home. Call to my son's preschool, trying to get through to the teacher to explain why I wasn't there to pick him up. Neighbour watching my daughter so I could get a ride to pick up my son. My reality turned upside down, consumed by feelings of guilt, worry, queasiness, anger.

Once home, and stranded - calls went out to insurance, tow-trucks, car rental agency. Somewhere in between someone called the RCMP and reported my van. The officer showed up and told the tow-truck driver to redirect the tow from the autobody shop to the impound lot. The officer was confiscating my van because I failed to report the accident right away. Husband stopped at the scene on the way home to try and talk to the officer, explaining the steps I was taking...children first, out of the elements, moving the van. But to no avail.

Tears of anger and frustration streamed down my face. Another cost, another hit.

But the night was not over. My son had his preschool Christmas party in two hours. Husband took control. He made supper, packed bags, made arrangements for pick-ups, set-ups and grandparents. All the while giving me hugs and reminders, "It's only metal. No one was hurt. That's all that matters."

I sat in the aisle the church, legs folded under me, as I focused the camera on my little man's face as he said his Christmas lines. My heart was warmed by his grin that reached ear to ear, my feelings of anger replaced by his excited energy. Simple joy.

Today I will be dealing with police reports, insurance, impound fees and finances. But I know things could have been so much worse. Today I am thankful for God's protection, my family and good Samaritans. I am grateful for what matters.

Tuesday funny

Those closest to me know that I have a weird fondness for snowman cartoons. Today I thought I'd share three comics that made me giggle. Enjoy!

Rest

The tiny blue-striped pillow fit in the palm of my hand. My toddler daughter was proud of her Sunday school craft.

A note stuck out from the side of the pillow, simply stating "On the 7th day God RESTED!"

This pillow has been sitting on my countertop for a week now. And it always catches my heart. "Rest", I think, "when?" Like every other mom, I have been nursing runny noses, fevered bodies and upset stomachs that accompany our Canadian deep-freeze. To-do lists have reproduced at an alarming rate. Gift shopping, grocery shopping. And I struggle to add one more event to our family's weighted Christmas calendar. 'Tis the season....

But the season for what? More than ever, I feel my soul calling me to SLOW DOWN. The Spirit within me whispering, "if you hurry, you'll miss it." But everything else is screaming for me to hurry up, bake more, decorate more, buy more, do more! I don't want to miss anything.

But isn't that it? By not wanting to miss anything, I am missing everything. Everything He does, everyday, to prove His love for me. Every day He creates a moment for me to rest and honour Him, but instead, I greedily use those moments towards my own desires.

Oh sure, of course I wrap my selfish desires in a shiny package, with the best of intentions of sharing my accomplishments with others. I used that time to buy the perfect gift for my son. I used that time to clean the house. I used that time to plan next weekend's Christmas party.

But time, like all used things, is quickly depleted.

This weekend I had the best of intentions. On Saturday, we were going to make the two hour drive to visit the Great Grandparents. But the winter blizzard quickly masked the highways with a sheen of ice and chilling winds scorned all who dared to make the trek. We relented and stayed home. But rest? No, now that there was an opening in the calendar, I filled it with more to-dos!

Then Sunday rolled around. I awoke with a raw throat and pounding ears. Today, my body begged me for rest. But I had plans for holiday hosting, Santa visiting and merry tours of the lavished Christmas trees. And then I saw the little pillow "on the 7th day, God RESTED!"

Remarkably, the immovable plans of this morning were redrawn without me. Husband took our two excited children to enjoy the festivities with their grandparents and cousin. And I did the unimaginable...

I rested. I read - about Him. I lit candles and watched them dance with their shadows. I prayed with gratitude and asked Him to fill me with His restfulness. To keep whispering reminders to me, and to give me the wisdom to listen.

'Tis the season....

Friday's snow day

Today we received a huge mass of snow. A calendar filled with errands was whited out by a flurry of snowflakes.

Today I decided to slow down and absorb the promises of today. And I made some priceless memories while doing it...

little boy and little girl...

playing out in the snow

eating lunch while watching the snow fall

colouring stamps on each other while sipping hot chocolate (with marshmallows!)

checking to see if the snow is still falling (it was...)reading the story of Jesus' birth while little sister sleeps
Blowing out the reading candles

Drawing his version of the cookie recipe he wants to make

chocolate chip cookies (our favourite)

having fun with bubbles

little boy doing big-boy things

helping the neighbours shovel the excess snow

Dreaming of tomorrow's adventures (notice the book - 'when I get bigger'....)

And you know what? This is one of the best days I can remember. We had no plans, we just enjoyed each other. Mommy, little boy and little girl...and a lot of God.

December's here

Continuing to take an active look at God's work in my life:

259. Warm home on a chilly day.
260. Washing machine and dryer to deal with son's sickness this morning.
261. Time to work on Christmas presents.
262. Watching daughter fall asleep as I play with her hair.
263. Not having to drive on the icy roads today.
264. Secretly watching daughter dance her way across the living room.
265. Safe stag and stagette for Rob and Kirsten.
266. Homemade stew in the oven.
267. Being able to light the first advent candle in church this past Sunday.
268. Watching son cross off the days until Christmas.
269. Unconditional puppy love.
270. Visits with friends.
271. Countdown to Christmas is here!

Reminders

Today my son put yellow post-it notes all over the main floor. He even used the chairs to reach places he normally could not.

When I asked him what they were, he said that they are his "I'm not feeling well signs". The small rectangles of paper were covered in scribbles, lines bleeding ink from where he pressed his preschool-might into the felt.

"This one means my throat hurts," he pointed out. "And this one means my tummy hurts, see - there is my belly-button."

Scribbled pieces of paper posted throughout the house for the rest of us to see. Signs meant to alert us that he isn't feeling well.

Reminders of his needs.

What reminders do you need to see today?

The promise of Hope

The tiny specks, barely visible to my eyes, weave their way through the chilled air, seemingly knowing November has served its expiry notice. Tomorrow's sunrise will escort December into a landscape of newly fallen snow.

A fresh start to a new month.

I am reminded of this week's advent candle being lit with the promise of hope. As our Sunday reading said, 'hope is like a light shining in a dark place'.

Like today's snowfall, will hope bring a blanket of comfort? Or will it be stomped out by the masses? Or shoveled aside?

I know I could use the fresh start. A clean, white slate. In a way, today's fall marks tomorrow's hope.

I've fallen more times than I can count. I've fallen for empty promises, consumerism, pride, arrogance, selfishness and fault-laying.

But through it all, HE has promised to pick me up, heal my brokenness and hold me close.

His promise always remains. And it is in that promise that I place my hope.

Tuesday in Thanks

Continuing to count God's work in my life...

238. Honest conversations
239. Friends with insight
240. Surprise steamed-milk lattes
241. Watching son play soccer
242. Money to spare
243. Watching my two kids imagine together
244. Beth Moore studies
245. Demonstrating leadership
246. Being prompted to plot my life events, and then marveling at God's fingerprints in my life.
247. Scavenger hunts
248. Bowl full of peanut M&Ms
249. Hand holding
250. Baby steps
251. God always being there to listen
252. Setting up the Christmas tree
253. Watching son count down the days until Christmas


254. Squeals of delight when hanging the "light bulbs" (ornaments) on the tree
255. Children making cards for Jesus's birthday present (their idea)

256. Serene blanket of snow
257. Christmas lights to light up the darkness
258. Knowing I am loved...

A clear need

Dishes are piled up on the counter. Not just dirty dishes from the morning breakfast's whirlwind of Cheerios and Rice Krispies, but 'clean' dishes from the dishwasher that served its strike notice.

My mouth scowls, sending sour words to my self, spewing disdain for another have-to added to my exhaustive list. There's always something to be taken care of. Dishes, crumbs on the floor, mismatched socks on the laundry room floor, dog food kibbles lining the hallway baseboards, children's runny noses, husband's restless sleep...

Most days I take a deep breath and move on. My mind shames my heart into silence by reciting the horrors around the world, even in my own suburban community. Disease, heart-break, bankruptcy, death. Who am I to complain?

I pause from unloading the dishwasher to glance at one of the crusty drinking glasses in my hand. Its purpose of quenching thirst, lost because it was unclean - marked with yesterday's unwanted scraps.

I submerge the glass into the hot soapy water. Carefully running my cloth around the mouth of the cup, reaching to its depth - scrubbing to rid it of the built-up grime.

I have a lot of grime built up in me too. Spots of waste are muddying my vision. I can't see past the disorder, mess and uselessness. I too often forget my purpose.

I am in need of a good cleansing.

I need to lather myself up in His love. I need to exfoliate yesterday's expectations and failures. I need to stop looking at the world through my tainted eyes. Rather, I need to see the world through the window of my soul: open, reflective, and purposeful.

Things he knows for sure...

So my friend told me about this conversation my four-year old was having with her son on the way to preschool. My son says, "So, there are three things I know for sure. October, November and December. Oh, and one more thing: Jesus loves me."

WOW. How can anyone doubt that Jesus is real and working in our lives everyday?

What things do you know for sure?

God's joys

God, keep my eyes focused on your blessings...they are abundant!

218. Asking my son what his favourite parts of Sunday were, and he said two things: "Playing TV games with Nana and making apple pie with Nana. It's my lucky day!"

219. Sunday meals at my childhood home with all the family crowded around the small table.
220. Watching Oilers hockey while husband rubs my feet.
221. Chipping in for a Santa suit for Christmas surprises.
222. The glow of our outdoor Christmas lights.
223. Celebrating Kirsten at her bridal shower.
224. A clean dog!
225. Benefits that allow me to get massages.
226. Vehicles that serve us well.
227. Morning cuddles.
228. The excitement when my kids see me enter the room to play (such pure joy!)
229. Quiet moments to write.
230. Anticipating the miracle of birth.
231. Christmas plans for family time.
232. Inspiring stories that remind me of God's love.
233. The countless number of times my children say "I love you" in one day...
234. A day without any appointments.
235. Time to reflect on my own short-comings and praying to God to help me.
236. Oatmeal crisp cereal. My favourite morning treat...
237. God-inspired writing.

What has made you smile with gratitude for God's hand in your life?

Forever Friends

"Mommy, maybe I'll meet my new friends at the park today," states my four-year old son. You see, that's what he calls the kids at the park he hasn't met yet. It really doesn't matter how old the other kids are, whether his new friend is a boy or a girl - my son approaches the child the same. "Hi - do you want to play?" And with that, my little man makes a new friend and together they race around the green climbing bars, leaving their preschool footprints in the sand as they mark their friendship with a tour of the playground.

I admit I am jealous of the simplicity of it all. My son doesn't care if the other kid's hair is messy, what colour her jeans are, or whether the boy talks with a lisp. My little boy decided as soon as the other child accepted his invitation to play that they were friends. Plain and simple.

So when did it get complicated for me? Sure, I can point fingers at the mean girls in junior high who made fun of anyone that showed even an ounce of insecurity (and I tipped the scales). Or maybe it got complicated when I was betrayed by my 'best friends', or used by others because I was too afraid to speak-up. Whenever it was, I wish I could go back to simple truths of genuine friendship.

Back to before friendship was staked out with a preset list of conditions, punctuated with an unstated, but clearly understood, need to out-do the other. Back to when we hung out because we had fun, and we couldn't wait to see each other again.

Okay, my dear blog friends, here's the truth. I am totally jealous of those who have had the same best friend since they were kids. They made a connection with each other back when you chose a friend who really was just that -your friend - no matter what.

Now, I am trying to not to let the 'whats' matter.

I want to cleanse myself from the toxins of past friendships gone bad. I want to be the kind of friend that others say good things about behind my back, I want to be the kind of friend that can have my friend over when I am wearing sweats and a dirty t-shirt. I want to be goofy, serious and weird with my friends (sometimes in the same day...)

And so here I am.

I've grown past the days of trying to impress others, hiding my insecurities and shallow conversations. And you know what? It's taken me this long to figure out what my little boy already knows. So to my friends now, I love you. And to the friends I have yet to meet - I can't wait to laugh with you.

See you on the playground.

The greatest song of all

The high of elation fills my spirit like a drug, causing my self to drift high above struggle, loneliness and preoccupation to please. Words of praise fill my head, swirling in the far reaches of my mind in a lustful embrace with ego. "This attention is what you desire," breathes my ego, "now you can start to feel worthy." My heart responds with an increased pace, as if willing my blood to fill the empty recesses of yesterday's hopes and today's failures.

But what goes up, must come down.

Isn't it incredible that for every handful of praise, it only takes one careless remark to reduce you to an attention-starved child? Blood's ribbon of red, which carried feelings of joy and satisfaction, is quickly reduced to a pool of purples and blues ~ bruised reminders of my blemishes, which are quickly hidden to conceal signs of weakness.

Joy is fleeting, leaving one to wonder if it truly exists at all.

"In your distress you called, and I rescued you....I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, open wide your mouth and I will fill it." (Psalm 81:7,10)

God is speaking, "My dear child, your successes are not your own."

Success is the work of God through me, and it is only through God that I can be truly satisfied in my work. And truly rewarded.

For His love cannot be taken away, recalled or muddied. My achievements are orchestrated by Him, and as He is the Almighty Conductor, my eyes must watch Him for direction.

For if I allow my eyes to wander or become distracted by the words of others, I lose track of His works. I am left with only an earthly melody, sidelined to the shadows of the greatest song of all.

So I hope to keep my eyes on my Conductor, trusting Him to lead me in a dance of the soul, allowing His spilled blood to fill my self with His unending joy ~ a melody that can never be forgotten or stripped of its glory. A song written just for me. I want to dance.

200!

God's blessings in my life continue. Where do you see your blessings?

201 - being linked to A Holy Experience website. I am so honoured, thrilled, excited, giddy...full of JOY! Thank you for joining me in this corner of the world...
202 - Medicine for my husband and little boy.
203 - sharing great news with friends
204 - surprise (and much needed) visit from mom
205 - walk to the park with two kids, two dogs, my mom and great conversation on a warm November day
206 - homemade chicken noodle soup
207 - having the courage to share my vulnerabilities and questions with my Godly brothers and sisters
208 - felt-traced outlines of my two children's bodies, and then having fun colouring them in.
209- homemade cookies brought by nana (made by uncle TJ)
210 - Saturday morning soccer fun with four-year olds
211 - candles burning on a dark November night
212 - time to play at the dogpark with Piper
213 - Snuggling under a warm comforter reading a great book
214 - Inspiring messages from Sunday's service
215 - friends who check in
216 - travel plans to Dubai (I still can't believe this one!)
217 - feeling God's love, especially today

Pause for thought

On Friday, while driving to skating lessons, I asked my son what he thought Jesus was doing right now. He looked out the van window, up into the sky and said "I think Jesus is making crafts right now." At four years old, my little man already understands Jesus' love for creating more than I do.

What do you think Jesus is doing right now?

tangled thoughts

"Mommy, play with my hair," whispers my tousled-hair daughter as she lays on her bed for her afternoon nap. I lay beside her, my body tense with pleading for her to go to sleep, so I can move on to the next thing. I tell her to lay on her side, stop fidgeting and close her eyes. She obeys and waits.

My right fingers reach out and carefully comb their way through her toddler hair, starting at her crown and ending at the nape of her neck. Her breathing soon shadows the rhythmic motion of my caress.


Such a simple request she makes of me, yet I simply cannot join her in her restfulness.

My mind continues at a frantic pace, fretting over tonight's dinner, yesterday's fights and tomorrow's worries. My eyes see peace in my resting daughter, but my heart feels turmoil. My should-haves are at constant war with my could-haves. My self lays bruised on the battlefield, infected with self-doubt and seething with frustration. Why does joy elude me so?

The current bible study I'm taking reminds me that "a truth-filled heart is so unnatural that we must pursue to have it." The following verse seems to written just for me: "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad in all of our days" (Psalm 90:14).

Today my heart is heavy, but I hear the whisper of the Spirit reminding me to lay on my side, stop fidgeting and close my eyes. And pray. God will straighten out my tangles, caress my heart and soothe my soul. I obey and wait.

Today's thanksgivings

(in continuation of my 1000 gifts listing...)

181. My momma taking care of my sweet daughter.
182. Wanda playing with the kids.
183. A dog who loves to protect our family.
184. A play area in our basement for the kids to sprawl out.
185. New friends with shared beliefs. I am so truly thankful for this group.
186. Freezer full of food.
187. Being parent helper (even though it's an exhausting three hours) but I get to see my boy play and interact with others in a way he can't do at home.
188. Excited children for halloween parties.
189. warm, comfy slippers.
190. Hot cup of tea.
191. Sneaking out to spend some girl time with Jody and Sue.
192. The way my daughter curls into me while she falls asleep beside me.
193. My education.
194. Treehouse channel (is this bad to put as a thankful item?) I think it saves my sanity somedays.
195. The circle series books. Oh, how I enjoyed the reminders these books brought to my spirit.
196. Healthy family.
197. My own health. Everyday I am thankful to be able to walk, breathe and speak. I am so blessed.
198. That my kids aren't picky eaters.
199. For WWF and the Beth Moore videos.
200. That I have so many blessings to count. Thank you, God.

Smarties for good behaviour

I am not sure how to start this post. My mom thinks this story is hilarious. Quite funny. Hardy-har-har. I must say the humour was lost on me. And that's not all that I lost....

This is the story of a suburban mini-van driving mother of two with an errand list as long as her arm span (which is quite long, since she is over 6 ft tall).

Doting mother had just dropped off her first-born at his preschool where he boarded the big yellow bus and set out for adventures in corn mazes and pumpkin patches. Darling daughter was looking foward to the trip to Superstore with mommy, and of course the much-hyped box of smarties that was promised in exchange for good behaviour.

Along the way, minivan-driving mommy caught up to a large, diesel breathing, dark windowed truck that seemed to be having trouble reaching the speed limit. 'Hmmm", thought the mommy as she glanced at her speedometre, "50 km in a 70 km zone. Maybe I'll just go around this person." But alas, the turn-off to the marveled Superstore was (not-so-fast) approaching. A lane change is not part of this story. So mommy followed the terminally slow driver, all the while sending out a morse-code message of "do- not- get- stuck- behind- this- guy" with her brake lights. "Maybe he's texting," thought mommy, as she looked around for an officer of the law.

"There must be a reason why he is going TWENTY km below the speed limit!" Then the unthinkable happened - the black metallic turtle slowed down even more....and he was turning left. Even after the mommy had to wait for a break in traffic to make her left turn, she still had to brake for the molasses mascot that was slowly moving along in front of her.

Then, at the point where mommy was certain her dear chubby legged two-year old could waddle beside the gutless truck at a faster rate, the offending driver lazily flashed his right signal light and eased his hunk of metal into the yellow-framed parking stall. As I passed, our eyes met and he sat there grinning, all 60 plus years of himself, framed in a plaid collar.

And he was waving at me.

Not the, "hey I know you, let's hang out." Or "hey, hope you are having a good day," kind of wave.

No. This was a mocking wave. And minivan mommy nearly collapsed when her wave of anger crashed over her senses.

Thankfully, dear daughter was in the back seat. As it would totally improper for a responsible mother to leave daughter in the van while lashing out of the van in a fit of rage, minivan mommy did the only rational thing that came to her mind: she parked in the other end of the lot and sat there until she could see straight. But the image of his mocking smile and plaid shirt still had her seeing red. So she made a deal with herself. As she was clearly the bigger person, she would only resort to a single, well-placed, sting to the bone dirty look to that mocking snail dressed in plaid. Yes, that would suffice.

So smug mommy walked into the Superstore with eyes wide open, scanning the crowd for a stragglers (surely the man would walk as slow as he drove).

But after a few giggles from daughter and snickers of "I love yoooooooooou's" and tickle-wars in aisle 8, mommy's heart softened and the man in plaid was no longer attached to mommy's Superstore to-get list.

And as they were leaving, just as mommy had promised, daughter got smarties for good behaviour. And mommy got some too.

168

Continuing my gratitude roll-call:
168. Husband taking the kids out of the house. Doesn't matter where, just out. (Mommy needs some breathing room).
169. Vacuum cleaner is fixed. Now maybe I can tell that other dog that is growing under my bed to leave! (gross, I know)
170. Daughter's 'i love you this much's
171. Son having a great time on his field trip and coming home safely.
172. Husband making supper.
173. Plans to see lots of friends tomorrow.
174. The smell of clean laundry.
175. Furnaces.
176. Watching Oilers on TV tonight with husband.
177. Playing dress-up with my daughter (I so love having a girl to do this with!)
178. Hiding under the blankets with daughter and giggling at our static-y hair.
179. Heartfelt understanding from husband when the kids melt down at supper. The "I don't know how you do it, but thank goodness I don't have to do this all day" look. You know the one.
180. Not feeling too guilty about skipping agility class tonight. Sometimes it's good to just stay home (especially when you're grouchy!)

cranky

Grrr. I am cranky. Cranky, cranky, cranky. It's times like these I wish God gave humans an 'off' button for our emotions. Being more like Data (really nerdy Star Trek reference) would certainly help. I think my husband would especially appreciate it.

So, what better thing to do when I'm fuming with frustration??? Why, count my blessings, of course! (I can just picture God grinning down at me right now). So here goes...

157. That we made it home from Lisa's house safe. Yes, that is good.
158. Visiting with Lisa and listening to the kids giggle as they chased each other around the house.
159. Getting a great costume for the upcoming Halloween party we get to go to. Again, thanks to Lisa :)
160. Warm beds to tuck the kids into after a long day.
161. Finally getting a replacement camera (so very excited about this one!)
162. Husband getting the Christmas lights all put up. (No, we won't be those people who have their lights turned on in October ;)
163. Excitement to be God parents for the very first time tomorrow.
164. God stops.
165. Watching the kids twirl around on the deck this afternoon. They are such great teachers for me.
166. Walks in the dog park with my little family.
167. Feeling better because of God's blessings. *Thank you, God*

My husband

I can't even put into words the heaviness that has just been weighted on my heart. I just finished reading a blog written by a girl about my age who has four kids and just lost her husband of ten years. (http://sixbendersandadog.blogspot.com/) She is still a young girl...and now she has lost her best friend.

I can't even imagine.

I don't want to imagine.

But I still feel, even though I don't know her. God created us in order to form a relationship with Him. And through that relationship with Him, we become intertwined with all his children - whether we know their names or not.

And I have had a taste of my Godly sister's grief. Empathizing with someone who has lost their husband catapults my complacent heart to lurch for the one I love. So many things I take for granted that he does, and is, to my life. Random things like shoveling the driveway, putting away the patio furniture for the winter, paying the bills, washing the crusty dishes and killing spiders for his wimpy wife. Hugs that envelope me after a long day with the kids, kisses on the top of my head as he cradles me under his chin. The smell of his neck when I nuzzle in close, his strong hands when he massages my back.

These simple things that mark my heart and tell me that I am his, and he is mine. Thank God for my husband and that I get to hold him again today - because really - that's all we ever have.

A flurry of thoughts

The juxtaposition of the green-leaved trees against the powdered white snow perplexes my senses.

The dusting of snow seemingly fell out of old man winter's mouth as he chuckled to himself knowing his time is nearly here. The water, caught off-guard from winter's advances, takes the form of long, spindly glass-like fingers reaching out from shadows of the rain spouts.

It's strange to see the green leaves still on the trees. They have yet to transform into their hues of gold and browns and begin their descent to the ground, forming a blanket of warmth for the tired and worn blades of grass. Strange how the coming season can still surprise autumn's fall.

Somehow I expect the changing of the seasons to follow a set schedule; orchestrating a rhythm of buds, blossoms, foliage and bareness. My human mind is desperate for a neatly packaged environment, of which I can set my watch to (and change the wreaths on my front door accordingly). But my spirit relishes in the joys of knowing life is much more than chronological days laid out neatly in black rimmed boxes. Plans for tomorrows are always interrupted by moments of today.

And so it is. Snow lays sleepily on the outstretched limbs of the trees while decorative pumpkins strive to keep their place on the frosty lawn. Rubber boots are traded in for winter boots, fleece jackets fall way to the flannel-lined snowsuits. And while plants yawn themselves into their winter slumber, I am awakened by today's treasures of white, green and gold.

One week of blessings

141. Mike's baptism
142. Warm words from friends
143. Visits with Bevy
144. Cozy home with lit candles
145. Pumpkins placed on our lawn
146. I love you "this much"
147. Turkey with family
148. holding hands with my dad in church
149. sitting with my parents in church
150. Worship songs that touch my soul
151. Whispered prayers in the quiet moments before sleep
152. Watching the freedom of puppy play
153. Being there to help out friends
154. A husband who writes 'rest time for wife' in my calendar
155. Watching Oilers game with my husband from the comfort of our couch :)
156. Visiting my auntie Kath

This little light of mine

The virgin taper is kissed excitedly by the fire of Christ. A flare of flame ignites on the slender white candle, its light flickering and growing brighter, as if gaining strength from the One who created light itself.

He stands beside me, my hand resting on the small of his broad back, willing my love to help support him on this day of acknowledgment. A child-like man, towering at 6'5, stands before strangers, stripped of the masks of pride, ego and shame. Tears of longing, regret and rawness mark their path down his cheeks, and into the hearts of those who listen as his voice relents to emotion, "I have come to proclaim my belief in God."

The path to this moment has been laced with disillusionment and at times obscured by suits and hollow words. God's voice hushed by the urgencies of the day, exposed flaws in man's religious law and personal agendas.

But even shadows cannot exist without light. And the light pointed to signs. Signs to our new home, signed by God himself. His grace filled both our hearts and caused us to feel God and weep with longing. "How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed."

And so here he stands, in front of the congregation, hands steadied by his childhood bible, with the worn blue cover and pages tabbed by his five-year old self. Baptismal waters cascade over his brow, washing away the lonliness and hurt, cleansing his soul for rebirth. The sign of God is marked with oil on his forehead.

And the candle is lit. A fire that can never be put out, a fire that thirsts for truth, a fire that pushes the shadows away ~ casting only light. Let it shine.

Monday

126. Spontaneous outings with Nana.
127. Big Macs
128. I love you this much (arms outstretched) by daughter and son
129. Warm home on a windy day
130. Washing machine (I can't imagine having to handwash everything!)
131. Hugs from mom
132. Full fridge
133. Dozing daughter
134. Movies for son
135. Reliable income
136. Plans to see Jody
137. Gift ideas for loved ones (shhhhh!)
138. Homemade chocolate chip cookies from little neighbour boy
139. Enjoying hot chocolate and marshmallows with son
140. House to call our own.

Fingerprinted in my heart

My windows are a mess. Really.

Smeared. Dirty. Fingerprinted. Some days I can barely see past my own reflection.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking closer, what do my eyes see in this window? I see tiny handprints from my children's play. I see the larger thumbprint of big brother from when he leaned against the window while balancing on the outside rock bed. I see chalked-stained swirls from when brother and sister stood side by side creating their art. I even see marks of Piper's snout as she nudged the window impatiently, wanting to be set free outside to run with the kids in an impromptu game of tag. I see water drip marks from daughter trying her hand at watering the flowers, every once and awhile distracted from the task at hand, allowing the hose its freedom to splash the transparent glass pane.

I see life.

There will be a time when my windows are perfectly clear, when my house is in order, when laundry is all folded and put away. But I am not in a hurry to see that. Instead, I will put away my window cleaners (for now) and join my children in their play. And maybe tomorrow I'll add my thumbprint to the window to prove I was here. In the now.

Life is good.

Saturday morning musings

A continuation of things I'm thankful for...

117. A hot cup of Earl Grey tea in the morning.
118. Waking up to both my babies sleeping in our bed. Makes it a BIT squishy with four people on a queen-sized bed (thank goodness Piper prefers her kennel).


119. Listening to the kids talk to each other during pretend play. It's amazing how much they pick up from listening to me and my husband.
120. Receiving my first big cheque for consulting!!!!! GLORY GLORY!!! And God's timing is perfect, we just paid our flooring bill, and that evening, my cheque was in the mailbox :)
121. Popcorn, peanut M&Ms and cuddle time on the couch with my husband.
122. Beautiful September morning, complete with warm rays of sunshine.
123. Chatting with one of my dearest friends on IM this morning. (unexpected surprise)
124. Magical mommy kisses for when my kids get hurt. I hope that magic never wears off.
125. Watching how open little kids hearts can be to make new friends without a worry in the world. Maybe life really can be that simple...

Lost and insecure

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, where were you?" I love this song (You found me)by the Fray.

Insecurity is a beast that lives within me. I find it rears its ugly head when my life veers too much over the centre line and I am colliding with fatigue, frustration and a four-year old. In the wreckage everything gets murky. I am disoriented. Panicked. Scared. What if the weight of my own expectations, pride and fear crush me? Fear breeds panic, panic breeds fear.

"Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?" It's easy to feel abandoned by reason and faith when my eyes are closed.

But He never loses sight of me. "Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me." Unlike the song, God does bring me messages and letters in the form of my children, my friends and family, and even in something as simple as a warm breeze. God is not late. God has always been here. God is waiting. For me.

I am not alone. YOU found me, YOU found me. And in that, I can feel secure.

Gods' blue...

I've been struggling with my four-year old this week *being a mommy is tough sometimes*. I figure the best way to get me out of this slump is to count my blessings...
101. My blue bracelet to remind me of my sisters who are also on this motherhood journey. I am not alone.
102. My faith tattoo. It inspires me in ways I never thought possible.
103. Blue light reflected off my crystal heart charm on my rear view mirror. Blue is certainly taking on a special meaning lately. *hi God*
104. Agility classes with Piper. I am so proud of my smart, pretty puppy!
105. Husband to take care of the bedtime routine for the kids tonight.
106. Yummy one-dish supper wonder. (ask me about it if you'd like)
107. Delivering son's mail to Nana, just because he wanted to. And because he coloured his letters purple :)
108. Frozen hot chocolate from Second Cup.
109. Time to think.
110. Safe journey home at night. I really don't like driving in the dark.
111. The Fray cd. Man, is it good.
112. One Tree Hill season five. I'm really enjoying it. Ever notice how many of the Fray's songs are on that show?
113. Hugs from my hubby after a really long day at home with the kids.
114. The smell of my children after their bath and all warm and cozied up in their pjs.
115. Goodnight kisses for my sleeping angels before I go to bed.
116. Watching a live band perform at a friend's house. That was so cool. *thanks*

100 reasons...

77. Celebrating Grandpa's 90th birthday with family. What a treat.
78. Laughing as we all were pelting each other with peanuts during Grandpa's peanut scramble.
79. Seeing God's artwork first hand while horseback riding on the Alberta prairies.
80. Watching the three musketeer cousins play so well together (well, except for the 'rock incident' ;)
81. Portable DVD player to afford some quiet time with the kids.
82. Being served a gourmet home-cooked breakfast meal at the B&B.
83. Watching my kids fall asleep.
84. Second Cup hot chocolate.
85. Seeing my son beam as he excitedly jumps up and down in anticipation of the rides at the Calaway park.
86. Watching the huge grin on husband's face as he watches our son's giddiness.
87. Hugging daughter tight when she realized she does not like fast rides.
88. Strawberry-banana milkshake from Peter's Drive-In. Mmmmmmm.
89. Parents who can watch Piper for us.
90. Grandpa.
91. Smoothie-faced kids.
92. Thirteen years with my man.
93. Knowing we get rid of our gross carpets tomorrow!!!!
94. Clean laundry (ten loads later!)
95. The smell of honey-garlic chicken baking in the oven.
96. Anticipation of husband's face when he smells what's for dinner tonight :)
97. Playing with Piper.
98. Playing in the pool outside in late September.
99. Listening to Rod's play by play while driving home from Calgary.
100. Excitement for husband's faith journey.

love cookie

"Mommy, do you want to have your love cookie now?"

My son is standing in front of the warm cookies, his back facing me and his hand hovering over the heart-shaped cookie. On a whim, he asked me to make some leaf and heart-shaped cookies with the cookie cutter I received as a wedding favour a few days ago. He had been itching to use it since he first saw it laying on the counter beside my purse.

When he asked, I was cuddled up on the couch listening to a favourite lullaby cd of mine and reading through the Time Traveller's Wife. Daughter was fast asleep upstairs, and moments ago, son was playing sesame street games on the computer. A rare moment of quiet in a house whose walls are usually vibrating with high-pitched Velociraptor-like shrieks, barks of a collie chasing my two-year old's stroller as she zooms-zooms her way around the house in a high speed chase of her older brother. So here stands my son at the foot of the couch, looking at me with his blue-green eyes, already starting to vibrate up and down in anticipation of my answer.

The truth is, a week ago I would of probably made up some excuse about me not having the right ingredients for the sugar cookies in a desperate attempt to bypass the layers of flour and sugar on the floor, providing the perfect dusting to track his little boy footprints and a sinkload of dirty baking dishes (only a quarter of these dishes used by me).

But as of late, things have been different. After two years of being a SAHM, I think I am finally settling into it. I am slowly starting to separate myself from my own competitive self, from my own brainwashing, from my own expectations. Lately, I haven't been as compulsive (it's a big step for me) about the countertops being crumb-free, being on-top of the laundry, or even what time it is once we sit down for supper. I am (embarrassingly) finally starting to get that my kids don't care about housekeeping or even if their clothes are clean. And while I am a LONG way from being okay with my husband taking the kids to the park in their pajamas (that's a story for another time), I am starting to lower my expectations of myself, and in doing so, life has become so much fuller than I ever could have expected.

So, yes my little boy, I will have that love cookie now...maybe even two.

baby powder bliss

Is it weird that I love the way my daughter smells?

She's sitting on my lap right now as I type, clenching a black metal-tip pen in her right fist, scribbling her artwork on random yellow post-it notes. She is singing a song, words known only to her, and every once and awhile she dips her head back into my chest, nuzzling me close.

I take in the scent of her freshly washed hair from last night's bath. The smell of baby lotion on her flawless skin. She still has a milk moustache from this morning's breakfast, and as she shifts in my lap, little puffs of baby powder scent rise and linger in my senses.

I love to gather her close to me as I try to memorize everything about her; the softness of her chubby cheeks, the enormous blue eyes that blink in tandem as she asks me 'why?', the chipped purple fingernail polish on her tiny fingernails and rows of tiny baby pearls that line her gums.

She is my daughter ~ one of a kind. In these moments that I long for time to stand still, I am grateful for who she is now, and excited to see who she will become.

Until then, I'll hold her close and take it all in.

Me, my dog & God.

It's a hot September day and my dog and I are walking in the woods. I am listening to the wind gently caress the leaves, and together they sing back rhythmic whooshing sounds, as if God was showing off His love for details, just for me. The mighty poplar trees, grounded by their creeping roots, line my path, allowing me to wind whichever way my dog and I are guided. The autumn sun plays peek-a-boo with me through the lines of the trees, every once and awhile catching my eyes with a surprise blinding. The clinkity-clink of Piper's dog tags set the rhythm of our walk.

Sometimes I pause and press my hand against the worn bark of a tree. Folds and crevices throughout mark the seasons gone by. Its lush green canopy now glowing yellow, thinned by the shifting placement of the sun.

It's only in the midst of the forest that I feel small. No longer am I the one towering above others. I am dwarfed by God's beauty.

But I do not feel insignificant.

Today I feel treasured and known by Him.

I watch a yellow leaf surrender itself to the breeze, curving and inverting during its graceful decent. What beauty God has embedded in a single, fallen leaf! And what beauty God has embedded in each of us. He is just waiting for us to fall into Him - gently, beautifully and fully.

Happy Fall everyone.

Life happens.

Today was a great lesson in living in the moment ~ and I think I passed.

Today was supposed to be spent at Galaxyland with Bevy and her family. Son and daughter were really excited to go on the rides, and so was my wallet (as daughter is free and son is only $10). So this morning I packed up the kids, goldfish crackers, water bottle, diapers and the kitchen sink (well, almost) and off we went to the cross-country - alright, cross city - trip to the west end. After meeting up with Bevy, finding a great parking spot, unloading the kids and cargo, and shuffling hand-in-hand towards the mall entrance...we arrived. At. the. wrong. time.

Alas, the tall green steel gates presented a very real wrinkle in our best-laid plans. Galaxyland was closed. And son's mouth was wide open. In protest.

Oh-oh.

But Bevy was fast on her feet and she came up with a plan. There is a great park nearby - we can take the kids there. And so we went.

And here's where I learned the real lesson. If a four-year old can adjust to the idea that he will not be going on way cool rides that mommy promised, that he can see, right there, right in front of him...if a four-year old can adjust to a new plan, one that we hadn't discussed, one that would take him away from the rides...if a four-year old can move on to the next thing, and forget about best laid plans and instead kick off his shoes in the park sand...then maybe that's what living in the moment is all about.

Life is not about planning, anticipation and expectations. Life's moments are about spontanaeity, presentness and experiencing.

Truth be told, the children probably had a better time at the park than any mechanical ride in the stuffy mall. Instead of watching blinking lights and hearing the beeps and horns at the amusement park, we were amused in the park by giggles, clapping and happy sighs as our children breathed in the fresh air and soaked up the warm autumn sunshine.

I couldn't have planned a better day. (Thanks Bevy).

it's the little things

61.being able to write straight from my heart
62. having a great mother-in-law who picks up on all the little things that make life so worth living.
63. extra carseats so my parents can whirl their grandkids away for a sleepover.
64. time to myself.
65. getting great mason jars from my mother and using them as inspiration for my writing.
66. Taking Piper to the dog park all by myself (which is a big step for me) and making new friends
67. Great friends (Michelle and Mark) who helped us out with a new brake light for our van.
68. That husband didn't hit anyone when he broke our taillight and rear bumper (see post 67)
69. The excitement knowing that husband is making great strides in his career.
70. Being able to help a friend out with childcare.
71. Cool mornings, a hot cup of earl grey and silence.
72. A brand new office desk!
73. The courage to make this an open blog.
74. Late night chats with Amy.
75. Blue skies and a soft Autumn breeze.
76. Being able to earn some money through contract work (and moms to help ease the childcare load!)
77. Simple picnic lunch packed by hubby for our family to eat while at the dog park. Son picked the perfect log for us to rest and nourish ourselves. The hard-boiled eggs, cucumber and tomato sandwiches and celery sticks were inspired by husband's mom's picnic lunch choices. The melody of kids giggling, leaves crunching under our feet and Piper's tags jingling provided the perfect symphony for my soul.

i love a rainy day

Rain, rain, come our way

so we can run and laugh and play

in the puddles, on the street,

we love raindrops on our feet!

Jars of time

Rows and rows of glass jars line the wooden shelves. I gaze at them, my mind racing excitably, pondering the treasures I will choose to fill them with. My mother-in-law's voice in the background, inviting me to select from her stockpile.

I pause, my eyes lingering on the tall, square-bottomed mason jars. I already envision the earl grey tea bags placed in seemingly random order, presenting themselves along the curves of the jar, lined perfectly beside another jar of white beans that are waiting for the crisp winter day slow bake in the oven. Torn bottoms of cardboard boxes, ripped open manufactured plastic bags, half-sealed ziplock bags now replaced with gleaming, transparent, orderly, bronze-rimmed mason jars. Picture perfect. Martha perfect. Pantry perfect.

As I load my kitchen treasures into my arms, Wanda's words of her mother wrap around me like a blanket. "Some of these jars were used by my mother, and she passed them onto me," Wanda remembers.

This same cold jar, heavy with memories, sits in my hand. The words Dominion MASON WIDE MOUTH are etched into the finger-printed glass, the bronze rims tarnished and forever marked by days gone by, the seals worn ~ gently breathing a soft popping sound as my fingers absently play with the seal. Used by her mother, used by my husband's mother, now used by me, a mother. Three generations. Two handfuls of jars. One title of mother.

My quest is an orderly pantry. What of the others? What treasures were poured into these jars in the yesteryears?

I suppose with a family of eight living in a one-room home in a small Alberta town, Grandma Bieber had limited resources and infinite appetites to worry about. Pickled beets, freshly packed jams, garden-grown carrots were undoubtedly preserved in these same glass jars.

What else filled these jars? Was Grandma worried about tomorrow's dinners? As the sauces simmered on the stove, did she wonder if she did enough? Did she wonder what to feed her children ~ beyond just filling their appetites, did she wonder how to feed their faith? Days fold over to weeks, weeks sprout into months, and years grasp our youth and season us with age. Through it all, the same set of hands carefully prepare the earth-bound prizes, the same tender fingers grip the bronze ring and turn gently to the right, sealing the jar for tomorrow's nurturing needs.

Like these jars, I want to hold nurturing wisdom within, ready to satiate my children's appetites for faith. I hold the same jar held by Grandma decades earlier. I am now the mother of a young family. My fingers now have to form the seal. I look to God to fill me with His heavenly treasures, sealing me with His spirit and readying me for nourishment. Lined up, labelled, transparent and timeless.

Just like Grandma.

One millimetre at a time....

Today was a busy day filled with friends, saws, hammers, sweat and tonnes of patience.
56. Fantastic friends and family giving up their Saturday to help us install our new flooring.
57. Leading a caravan to Costco with Bevy and Lisa and the six kids in tow.
58. Watching Joshie "working" on the new floors with the guys.
59. Giggling at an SNL skit with Mikey
60. Watching the kids play in the summer rain.

Take me out to the ball game...

Today was indeed a day full of blessings. Here are some I'd like to share with you as part of my 1000 gifts gratitude journal.

43. Waking up on my own schedule ~ sans les enfants ;)

44. Going shopping with Lisa at WEM. And being blessed enough to charge $$ on my credit card without worrying too much (I think the credit card is still smokin')

45. Finding a kick-ass belt! (yes, Lisa ~ we'll find a way for you to borrow it, as long as I can borrow some of your new shirts :)

46. The satisfying taste of ice-cold green tea lemonade on my parched tongue.

47. The taste of fresh, homemade raisin bread from Lady Wanda's bread maker.

48. Watching my daughter skip quickly to me when she saw me walking up the driveway.

49. Seeing my son doze contently in his carseat.

50. A nana and papa who are genuinely happy to see their grandkids...and feed and bathe them for me. (I am so lucky, it's not even funny...)

51. Enjoying a warm August night at the Edmonton Capitals baseball game. Great conversations, pics and baseball mementos.

52. Genuine conversations with Allie ~ thanks, friend.

53. Coming home to a puppy who absolutely loves me and is always happy to see me.

54. Being able to "afford" a totally extravagent yoga jacket from lululemon...I love it ~ mostly because it fits me (long arms and all!)

55. I'm thankful for those who read my blog...and that I don't feel alone. Thank you.

today's treasures

27. Having the opportunity to take a walk with my kids and dog to the park. It was so refreshing not to have to 'be' anywhere. I purposely left my watch at home. I loved watching the kids marvel at the ducks in the wetlands...pointing at the webbed feet, the holes in their bills and laughing as the ducks did their water landing. I loved walking through the wetlands and seeing autumn leaves fluttering to the ground and knowing I didn't have anywhere else to be except there with my kids.
28. Listening to my son talk about preschool and how excited he is to paint in class.
29. Knowing that mommy kisses still soothe a four-year old with scraped knees.
30. Hearing exciting news about Lisa's return to work.
31. Brushing my daughter's hair.
32. Feeling my daughter snuggle close to me just before she falls asleep for her nap.
33. Sharing my excitement over this blog with my mom.
34. Enjoying a spontaneous dinner date with Lisa and the kids on her patio.
35. Watching my son play at the spray park. He doesn't care if he knows the other kids' names. He just wants to make friends and have fun. And if they aren't interested, he knows it's not personal. He just moves on to the next friend. I have so much to learn from him.
36. Magical sleepovers at Lady Wanda and Duke's house.
37. Son's concern over my scrape. "Oh my, mommy. That doesn't look good." And daughter offering to 'kiss it better' (BTW -I didn't have her kiss my foot...)
38. Going on a movie date with my husband ~ even if the movie SUCKED ;)
39. Going to sleep knowing I get to sleep in tomorrow *grin*
40. Learning more about this blog technology. I'm impressed.
41. Singing really loud (totally off-key) to my Doc Walker cd (LOVE IT!) on the Henday while making waves with my hand out the open window (and totally not caring if anyone saw me).
42. Watching my kids delight in eating cookie dough straight out of the mixing bowl outside on a hot summer day.

Uh-oh

I am so selfish.

Not in an evil way, but I am definitely putting my needs, no, it's my wants, first. I LOVE this blog site and the freedom I have to write what is on my heart and soul. It's so liberating, creative, therapeutic...

addictive.

I wish you could see me right now. I am peering over my daughter's shoulder as she is standing on my lap hugging my neck tight, shifting positions, crawling all over my computer desk. She is cooing at the dog - calling her honey, smiling and chattering along. And my eyes are absolutely fixed on this screen. I WANT TO WRITE! And my daugher wants her mother. It's a battle of the wills. And we're both stubborn. I'm bigger - but she is definitely cuter. But what's that...could that be the theme song for Dora? Oh, it's captured my adorable, squirmy, blueberry stained mouth daughter's attention....which leaves me about five minutes to write before she comes down to play with mommy.

I just feel so called to write - to share my experiences. To form community with those who can relate with my struggles. Joys. Accomplisments. Sorrows. Through this blog, I hope to strengthen my faith and my connection to God. Tasting his word and craving more: "How sweet your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" (Ps 119:103).

I'm addicted.

The call of the loon

I had a wonderful experience while on holidays in Saskatchewan. It was late at night and I felt an inner longing to go for walk in the soft rain. Everyone else in the cabin was getting ready for bed when I slipped out. I walked in the rain – no umbrella or jacket wanted – as it was a wonderful soft, summer rain. I walked to the pier at Anglin lake. It was so quiet. The sun was just setting and I could see the last bits of sun following the rims of the dark rain clouds. I stood at the end of the dock, closed my eyes and just listened. I could hear the rain pelting the lake water, the waves lapping the shore and licking over the edge of the dock. But nothing else. No people, no vehicles, no children, no animals…and for a moment, I couldn’t even hear the mosquitoes and flies that swarmed around my face. I was at the Land of the Loon lake resort, standing in the rain, just before dark…and I prayed to You. To be honest, I can’t recall exactly what I said to you – but I remember asking You for a sign, a sign that you could hear me and that you were there. I asked for You to have a loon sing for me. Then I opened my eyes. At that exact moment, I heard the loons. They sang their haunting call for a few moments – and then silence again. I never heard them again that night. I know FOR SURE that you heard me that night. And I feel so blessed.

Stick in the mud

Today when I was walking Piper in the wetlands, I was scurrying along the mud paths and I kept looking ahead of myself to plot my next move so I wouldn’t sink in the mud…but instead, I kept sinking in the mud. I finally figured out it was because I was so busy trying to plot my future path, that I neglected to pay attention to where I was now…sinking. Kind of funny how God can make even the most complicated anxieties into nothing more than a bit of dirt on your shoe. I am so blessed.

God, help me to see your will in my life. Help me to recognize that you will always fill out the ‘hows’…I just need to concentrate on the now.

Perfectly interrupted

Right now I am lying down in my backyard on top of my son's Cars comforter, directly under the swing set. It must be quite a sight to see a grown mother of two lying flat on her belly with her two feet entangled in the wooden swings. My big toes right now are wrapped around the nylon swing rope while I gently rock the swing back and forth. I’d like to be really deep and tell you I chose this spot, on my day off from mothering, because I want to be inspired by my children’s love for the moment, but alas, the real reason (or at least the reason I initially thought) is because this is the only spot in the yard with shade on this glorious late August afternoon.

I just came back from an hour and a half walk with my dog, Piper. What a wonderful gift my mom gave me today – the gift of time. Well, really she probably didn’t really have much of a choice. Yesterday’s phone call went a little like this:
Mom: hello?
Me: *sigh*
Mom: are you okay?
Me: *groan* (tears building up) no, momma. I really need a break. I’m stretched way too thin. I am beyond exhausted.
Mom: Yes, you have been pretty busy as of late.
Me: Mom?
Mom: Yes, Dawn?
Me: (pleading) Mom, can you PLEAAAAAASE take this kids for one day this week? I need to just unwind and relax.
Mom: It shouldn’t be a problem.
Me: (pushing it…) Oh, and mom? Do you think you could take them overnight so I could have a sleep-in day?
Mom: Sure, you can bring them over tonight.
Me: (heavy sigh of relief) Oh, thank God!! Thank you, mom.

And that is just one example of my mom’s life-saving heroics….

I felt so desperate, so drawn out, so drained….so lost. During this crazy quest of mine to be perfect in all that I do, I have become perfect at draining all that I am.

Today during my walk with Piper, I took a moment to stop by the water and sit in the shade of a giant elm tree. I closed my eyes, leaned back and opened my senses to God’s work that surrounds me. I heard the faint hum of cars on wye road, I heard the clinks of Piper’s dog tags as she shifted positions on the shaggy grass, I heard the water lapping softly against the rocks. I felt the cool August breeze gently flowing through my hair, like giant fingers playing with each strand…just like my mom used to do, calming me. This moment of course, lasted for only a minute, because Piper saw a dog coming and jerked the leash tight against my arm causing me to pop my eyes open and reacquaint myself with the busyness around me.

I quickly felt defeated again. Why is it so hard for me to connect with God? Why is it so difficult to find the elusive ‘quiet’ moments. How can I possibly have a conversation with HIM amongst all this noise and interruptions?

Then it came to me, like a whisper on my soul, it is exactly in the moments of noise, interruptions and busyness that LIFE happens. It is through God’s grace that we can live in these moments. But it is our own carnal ambitions that rob us from BEING, leaving us in a constant state of anxiety as we struggle with packed daytimers, to-do lists and fighting off constant interruptions to ‘our’ schedules.

I believe that if I could only draw back my need for control, even just for a brief moment, I will feel free. As it says in Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”

God will take care of me. What if every interruption, every zig instead of zag, is God letting me know that I don’t have to have the perfect plan – because he has already written it. And I am in it. All He needs me to do is trust Him. Trust that it’s okay my daughter drew all over herself with markers before we’re going out, trust that I don’t need to have the perfect birthday cake for my husband, trust that I don’t need to have a spotless home in case someone drops by…trust that I am perfect in God’s eyes, all the time. Perfect moments cannot be constructed by us, rather, perfect moments can only be within us. On this day, I will not worry about the interruptions – I will only look for my perfect God within them.