Perfectly interrupted

Right now I am lying down in my backyard on top of my son's Cars comforter, directly under the swing set. It must be quite a sight to see a grown mother of two lying flat on her belly with her two feet entangled in the wooden swings. My big toes right now are wrapped around the nylon swing rope while I gently rock the swing back and forth. I’d like to be really deep and tell you I chose this spot, on my day off from mothering, because I want to be inspired by my children’s love for the moment, but alas, the real reason (or at least the reason I initially thought) is because this is the only spot in the yard with shade on this glorious late August afternoon.

I just came back from an hour and a half walk with my dog, Piper. What a wonderful gift my mom gave me today – the gift of time. Well, really she probably didn’t really have much of a choice. Yesterday’s phone call went a little like this:
Mom: hello?
Me: *sigh*
Mom: are you okay?
Me: *groan* (tears building up) no, momma. I really need a break. I’m stretched way too thin. I am beyond exhausted.
Mom: Yes, you have been pretty busy as of late.
Me: Mom?
Mom: Yes, Dawn?
Me: (pleading) Mom, can you PLEAAAAAASE take this kids for one day this week? I need to just unwind and relax.
Mom: It shouldn’t be a problem.
Me: (pushing it…) Oh, and mom? Do you think you could take them overnight so I could have a sleep-in day?
Mom: Sure, you can bring them over tonight.
Me: (heavy sigh of relief) Oh, thank God!! Thank you, mom.

And that is just one example of my mom’s life-saving heroics….

I felt so desperate, so drawn out, so drained….so lost. During this crazy quest of mine to be perfect in all that I do, I have become perfect at draining all that I am.

Today during my walk with Piper, I took a moment to stop by the water and sit in the shade of a giant elm tree. I closed my eyes, leaned back and opened my senses to God’s work that surrounds me. I heard the faint hum of cars on wye road, I heard the clinks of Piper’s dog tags as she shifted positions on the shaggy grass, I heard the water lapping softly against the rocks. I felt the cool August breeze gently flowing through my hair, like giant fingers playing with each strand…just like my mom used to do, calming me. This moment of course, lasted for only a minute, because Piper saw a dog coming and jerked the leash tight against my arm causing me to pop my eyes open and reacquaint myself with the busyness around me.

I quickly felt defeated again. Why is it so hard for me to connect with God? Why is it so difficult to find the elusive ‘quiet’ moments. How can I possibly have a conversation with HIM amongst all this noise and interruptions?

Then it came to me, like a whisper on my soul, it is exactly in the moments of noise, interruptions and busyness that LIFE happens. It is through God’s grace that we can live in these moments. But it is our own carnal ambitions that rob us from BEING, leaving us in a constant state of anxiety as we struggle with packed daytimers, to-do lists and fighting off constant interruptions to ‘our’ schedules.

I believe that if I could only draw back my need for control, even just for a brief moment, I will feel free. As it says in Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”

God will take care of me. What if every interruption, every zig instead of zag, is God letting me know that I don’t have to have the perfect plan – because he has already written it. And I am in it. All He needs me to do is trust Him. Trust that it’s okay my daughter drew all over herself with markers before we’re going out, trust that I don’t need to have the perfect birthday cake for my husband, trust that I don’t need to have a spotless home in case someone drops by…trust that I am perfect in God’s eyes, all the time. Perfect moments cannot be constructed by us, rather, perfect moments can only be within us. On this day, I will not worry about the interruptions – I will only look for my perfect God within them.