breathing in and breathing out

To say 2010 has been a tough year is a vast understatement.

I have witnessed first hand the destructive forces of the dark one - his seething, soul-thirsty hands wrapped tightly around my throat and around the one I love. I have shed salty tears,  moaned in defeat and screamed in agony as my heart was squeezed so tightly that my pulse was but a mere tremor in the enemy's filthy hands. I woke trembling many late nights, filled with fear and devastation. I have felt the gaping chasm of loneliness, my own fears echoing loud in my heart. I have ached hard as I watched the disease take over the light in his eyes. I have barked toothless threats, only to roll over in defeat. It hurts.

Evil destroys. Breaks apart. Shatters hope.

It is during these excruciating times that I cling to God's word that I am His. And He will not let me go. In crisis, He is with Me...calling and shouting my name.

God sings me these words: (Alive Again by Matt Maher)

"I can see the light before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted and broke through my deafness
You shattered my darkness and washed away my blindness
I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again"



And so for this night, when my heart aches, I will call and shout to GOD. I want YOU. I need YOU. And He will hold me close while I breathe in and breathe out. I am ALIVE with Christ. I am HIS.

merry and bright

Continuing to focus on the blessings in my life...

1032. Husband whose eyes sparkle with hope.
1033. Husband who holds me close.
1034. Christmas family time with my husband's family...and getting to see Kelsi and her beautiful daughter.
1035. Cousins eating at the kids' table for the first time.

1036. Watching my son play with Lego.
1037. Accident-free travels on treacherous winter roads.
1038. Hearing Grandpa-Great read the Christmas story from his worn bible.

1039. Supportive friends.
1040. Love notes to Jesus.

1041. Watching my son's kindergarten class at the Christmas concert.
1042. Watching my daughter play with her dress during her preschool concert.
1043. Hearty hugs.
1044. Watching my kids' excitement build as Christmas nears.
1045. Stolen moments of cuddle time between Grandmother and Grandson.

1046. Grace gifted to me.

new traditions

I feel God speaking to me, asking me to lean into Him a bit closer...He has something my heart needs to hear.

For too many years now, Christmas has devolved into an expensive quest to buy happiness - for me and for my loved ones. For me, gift giving was weighted down with my impossible expectations (IE: finding the perfect gift) and my heart was never able to fully accept the love that people were trying to gift me. Christmas became a tinseled, over-hyped blur of bows, gift tags, to-do's, and to-be's.

I was desperate for a Saviour to save me from my own jaded thinking. And as He promised, He has come.

He is talking. Listening. Nudging.

He has sent me friends to show me how to do things a bit differently. He speaks verses to my heart reminding me of His perfect gift.

He has allowed me to live in His grace, rather than in a home-design magazine. He has tenderly pushed me out of my comfort zone...giving me a voice to sing to those who hunger for fellowship. He has given me His blood so that I may live, now I give my blood so others can live. He has provided me with a home...so that I may bring His message of shelter and warmth to my less fortunate brothers and sisters. He reminds me of the starlit night where shepherds watched their flock with care, and invites me to stand watch with Him.


His words fill my heart and spill over into my home.

My children learn the language of the Jesse Tree. 

 My son draws witness to the power of Saviour's birth.

And I witness God's never-ending love for me...
 
1021. Christmas caroling. I can't even begin to explain how full my heart is after watching my kids sing Christmas carols with our wonderful friends. We got to share Christmas love with many kind souls including a beautiful 100 year old woman, a bed-ridden woman who still smiles hope and a lady whose tears spoke happiness. (thanks to Leah for making it happen) .
1022. New Christmas traditions.
1023. Invitation to a nativity walk in the crisp winter evening. I am really looking forward to this.
1024. Giving gifts to strangers.
1025. Being able to stay home, especially when my son is sick.
1026. Watching my son's permagrin while he plays hockey.
1027. Watching my daughter perform her dance routine at the local mall.
1028. Grandparents who love spending time with my kids.
1029. Softly lit rooms after a busy day.
1030. Cuddling close to my little boy when he feels sick.
1031. Bringing a new friend to church.


Join me in listing your thanks?

part two

Continuing on to 2000 listings of thanks...

1001. my son's huge smile when I surprise visit him at his school's swimming lessons.
1002. Excitement about gift giving to strangers.
1003. Our new Jesse Tree devotions for advent (courtesy of Ann Voskamp)
1004. Big smooches on my cheek from my son.
1005. Daughter who tells me that she knows I love her "because I tell her all the time".
1006. Husband who pitches in.
1007. Mom who takes my daughter to dance class - and has a permagrin from it.
1008. Expressing myself through dance.
1009. Son's first kindergarten birthday invite.
1010. Getting Christmas cards in the mail.
1011. Homemade cookies with my sister.
1012. Knowing that God will take care of my needs.
1013.  Quiet car rides.
1014. Support groups.
1015. Late(r) night phone call with a good friend.
1016. Listening to my son read. I am bursting with pride.
1017. Refining our Christmas celebrations.
1018. Christmas lights on an otherwise dark street.
1019. Recognizing my limits.
1020.Hearing other people compliment my husband.

Join me in listing your thanks?

rule your own city

Doesn't this look so fun?

 

Don't you wish you were talented enough to draw something like this? 

Me too.

Here's the good news - this paper city (which includes people, vehicles and even a helicopter!) is available for FREE on the Made by Joel's website. The best part is that he made printable templates, so even if my kidlets get too excited and rip/crumple/(insert action here), I can easily print a new one. 

YAY for imaginative play and YAY for someone who can draw better than me and YAY for sharing!

*update:

Yesterday's freezing temperatures kept us tucked away inside, so what better time to build our own city? Here are some snapshots of our building process:

iGrandpa

I just love this picture of Grandpa:

The juxtapositions capture my imagination:

• 91 year-old story-teller listening to an iPod.

• Runners on feet; and a walker beside the chair.

• Hard-working, wrinkled hands; and feet relaxed on a smooth table.

My three-year old daughter calls him Grandpa-Great...I couldn't agree more.

PS - I'm taking part in a photoplay challenge over here

be still

There's something about the freshly fallen snow that stirs the depths of my soul.

Soft stirs slowly settle me down into a rhythm that matches the fluttering fall of each God-breathed snowflake. All consuming, all trusting - my breathing matches the hallowed breaths that gently carry the specks of snow onto the drifts of white.

Soundless words are similarly placed on my heart - reminding me to be still and know that He is God...the God who created whiteness to sanctify the muddy, dirty browns; the God who refreshes my sight with blinding brilliance; the God who can take an insignificant piece of frozen water and create a landscape that muffles the cacophonous sounds of the rushed world; the God who peacefully lulls me into His embrace.

I watch the billowed skirts of the snow-ladden wind dance to its own howling song. Clouds swirl white while jigging and jagging on the frozen gable-topped roofs. I envision God's own fingers dipping down into the cold twilight to orchestrate the performance. The curves of my mouth turn heaven-ward as I beam a smile to my Father, thanking Him for His presence and love.

I am comforted by His reminders that He is always with me, eagerly waiting for me to open the gifts that He has created just for me. I unwrap His love with thanks:


983. Snowflakes falling down.
984. Winter white landscapes.
985. Soothing Christmas carols - including those sung by Sarah McLaughlin. Truly heaven-sent.
986. Home-cooked meals by my mom.
987. Breaking Free.
988. Steps to becoming well.
989. A daughter who believes me when I tell her she's beautiful.
990. A son who reads me the weather forecast every morning.
991. Waking up to a mountain view. Glory to God's creative wonder!
992. Watching my kids see the mountains for the first time.
993. Family weekend time honouring Grandpa and Grandma.
994. Hearing my daughter call him "Grandpa Great."
995. Watching my daughter's eyes flutter to sleep as I stroke her hair.
996. My five-year old son randomly asking me "how are you doing today?"
997. Husband who cuddles me in the dark night.
998. Feeling the spirit-filled urge to write.
999. Simple reminders of His love.
1000. A God who has never forsaken me. Who knows me by name and calls me His. Forever.

Join me in listing your thanks?
 I'm also joining Emily and @ imperfect prose on Thursdays

swelling with thanks

This past week has been a huge lesson in recognizing my God-given gifts and not taking them for granted. I hadn't considered myself a vain person, but God - in His ever so knowing ways - found a way to force me to pay attention to my vanity vice.

For Halloween, I wore some makeup that caused an allergic reaction. I'm not talking about a little bit of a rash, but a full-blown "what did you DO!" to your face reaction. My forehead puffed up to the extent my husband thought I was growing a horn, then my left eye swelled shut as the swelling made its way down my face. After a visit to emergency, I was reassured that my reaction wasn't life threatening. Armed with super antihistamines and dark sunglasses, I was told it would take about a week for my face to clear up. I quickly noted another injury that quickly swelled- bruised pride.

So for the week I hid under hats, sunglasses and excuses. I laughed loud (too loud) when describing my face to others on the phone...all the while desperately trying to repress my fear that my face wouldn't be restored.

And do you know what? Even on the worst day, when my eye was so very swollen, my kids didn't even seem to notice. I was still their mommy.

This is a message God hand-wrote for me, then delivered it through swelling and was read out loud by my children: Unconditional love only sees the lovely.

My face is now restored. I look around with fresh eyes to the loveliness that God has unconditionally granted me:

962. Lisps and laboured tongue rolls of my three-year old's speech. I want to memorize her tiny voice.
963.  Son who wobbley-knee skates on a rink of scratched ice - my little bambi gaining his balance and confidence. My heart bursts with pride as he flashes me his ear-to-ear grin from behind the caged helmet.
964. My blue-green feather costumed daughter whose tiny hands, flapping arms and wiggly hips made me enjoy the chicken dance song. (A huge feat, as I had this song black-listed at my wedding!)
965. Homemade pizza dough hand-rolled by my husband. And delicious pizza toppings that folded the crust just-so into my hungry mouth. Nothing is better than homemade with love.
966. A muddy, scarred and pitted front yard that my husband restored with sweated brow.
967. Son who talks excitedly about his new best friend at school.
968.Children who point to the morning sky and excitedly say that Jesus made the colours in the sky just for us.
970. Eavesdropping as my daughter sings "I will praise you God with all my heart."
971. Candlelit bedtime choruses of 'this little light of mine' between a father and his children.
972. The sound of deep-belly laughs.
973. A full bag of garden-fresh carrots.
975. Popcorn movie nights at Nana and Papa's house.
976. An adult night out with great friends and tasty food.
977. Full-strength antihistamines that alleviated my pride-busting (oh, so humbled!) allergic reaction that swelled the left side of my face.
978. Mom who waited in emergency with me - even though I insisted she stay home. XOXO.
979. Family who are always there to watch and play with our little ones.
980. Phone calls of pride from Lady Wanda to our mini hockey player and darling stage dancer.
981. Uncle who made it through major surgery and is recovering well.
982. My brother who puts up with all my crazy last minute requests.

Join me in listing your thanks?

see the goodness

 Time away always brings my life into perspective. Today my heart is refreshed and my sight is renewed. I clearly see all the love God purposely placed into my life:

941. Husband who chose me.
942. The non-judging heart of a dear friend to listen to my ramblings.
943. Doubt that blossoms into faith.
945. Snowball fights with my children and Nana.
946. Daughter who stops every two houses to lay with her eyes to heaven, arms and legs extended wide to make snow angels.
947. Nana's laughter with the kids.
948. Snowman made for Papa.
949. Husband working in the trenches (literally) to restore the power in our home (again, literally).
950. A kind and helpful power-provider employee.
951. The know-how and helpfulness of a family friend (who is an electrician God-send!)
952. Warm lodgings, delicious steak (among other goodies!) and great company with the Shippelt family.
953. Spending an entire weekend praising God at a women's conference.
954. Safe travel on the highways.
955.Reconnections.
956. Love notes from my son.
957. Daughter telling me before she goes to sleep that she's going to dream about me.
958. Homemade stew on our season's first snowy day.
959. The sound of a good belly laugh.
960. My supportive family.
961. The road that leads me home.

Join me in listing your thanks?

thanksgiving

With thanksgiving, I feast on the good that is served to me by the only One who can feed my hungry soul...

928. Thanksgiving meals with both sides of the family.
929. Daughter with well-timed cuddles.
930. Watching my son slop through his third plate of spaghetti, while telling his sister it is his favourite meal.
931. Husband who bathes our children in love.
932. Working with my son on his kindergarten 'all about me' project ... and smiling the whole time.
933. Relatives who go out of their way to help us.
934. My daughter wearing my mom's t-shirt. (or rather it wore her...)
935. Making my first batch of perogies with my aunt and cousin.
936. Quiet moments to watch the leaves swirl to the ground.
937. Watching hockey games with my family.
938. Smell of a freshly cleaned house.
939. Second, third and fourth chances.
940. Brown-bagged lunches and love notes.

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends!

harvest moon

The white glare of my computer screen is the only light in my house. It's getting late and my eyes are weary, but I am too aware of my soul's need to be fed. A heaping plate of thanksgiving is served, warm and made especially for me by the One who loves me most.

910. Harvest Moon by Neil Young. I just want to bounce along to the soft beat...

Neil Young  Harvest Moon (Video)
Uploaded by ivaxavi. - Descobreix altres videoclips.

911. Husband who knows when I have hit my wall...and takes care of me.
912. Breakfast in bed served by my love.
913. An hour of kid-free time to read the paper while sipping my OJ.
914. Motorcycle ride across the prairies with my father-in-law on a wonderfully warm fall day.
915. Exploring an antique shop.
916. My dance class.
917. Homemade hamburgers.
918. Celebrating my dad's birthday.
919. Kids who are so adaptable - including entertaining themselves while I helped paint my brother's new home.
920. Beth Moore.
921. Friends who listen.
922. Sick leave days.
923. Electricity.
924. Thanksgiving feast plans with my sister.
925. Love notes from my son.
926. Encouraging words from new online friends.
927. Clean baseboards (at least for now...)

Counting my blessings...

picture his love

A picture is worth a thousand words...here are proofs of God's love for me - in the form of my most favourite people on earth. I bow my head in humble thanksgiving for His blessings.

 903.

 904.

 905.

 906.

 907.

 908.

909. His grace, His grace, His grace.

His light

I can feel it.

It creeps along the fringes of black and white, insidiously nesting in the grey areas, feeding its toxins into my heart. Everyday situations become tainted towards my own ism's of I, Self and Me. My soul's lens becomes muddied and instead of asking God to clear away the heavy, dark film - I fumble around blindly, becoming more and more frustrated.

When you've lost your vision, it becomes too easy to listen to the loudest voice. Familiar whispers of insecurity,  and her ugly sisters anxiety and fear, gain volume while speaking deliberate hurts into my heart. Their voices echo in the dark caverns - places that I thought were sealed and forgotten.

I hunch over angry.

And yet, and always, there is His grace. He knows me so very well. I realize it's been awhile since I've looked for Him.

Gratitude, my friends, is my lifeline. It may seem insignificant, but I have noticed my slips and slides have carried far too much power over the past two weeks. I didn't have time to write out my gratitude list last Monday, and I have felt the difference.

I have to be intentional with my thanks. I have to be intentional in seeing God in my life everyday. I have to intentional with my vision - to fixate my gaze on Him.

Then life becomes clear, my ism's melt away and there are no more shadows.

I bask in His light...

886. Celebrating Grandpa on his 91st birthday with delicious food and lots of laughter.

887. Watching my son put on a dance show for me - complete with his little bum wiggle.

888. Daughter's first day of preschool.

889. Women's fellowship.
890. Beginning a new bible study.
891. Visiting with my sister.
892. Homemade biscuits.
893. Husband and son building our garden container for next summer's harvest.

894. Fall leaves.
895. Puppet shows acted out by my kids.
896. Prayer.
897. Catching up with a good friend.
898. Flowers from my mama.
899. Opportunities for more income.
900. Duvet covers on a cool autumn evening.
901. Plans for a date night and kids' sleepover at grandparent's house (Thank you, Wanda!)
902. Dance class for me.

....continuing on with my 1000 gifts of thanks

according to His plan...

Some weeks pass with only a casual observance of the deliberate actions of God in my life, but this week God has poured extraordinary moments - both joyful and painful - into my heart and into the hearts of those I hold dear. Though I may not know His plan, I do know His love...

868. My brother who walked away from a car crash that sent his SUV skidding upside down.
869. Sisters to support each other.
870. Scrumptious brunches made by loved ones.
871. Husband who does a week's worth of chores in two short days.
872. Packing my son's first school lunch.
873. Daughter who giggles at her new tap shoes for dance class.
874. Grace, grace, grace.
875. Long overdue visit with my cousin while we craft together.
876. Chilly fall nights.
877. Sunflowers dropped off by a wonderful friend and her kids.

878. Healthy children and husband.
879. The deep belly laugh of my daughter.
880. Roadtrip visit to the zoo with my family and Uncle Rob and Auntie Kirsten.

881. Kindergarten parent meeting (our very first!)
882. Fall walks in the dog park.
883. Cuddling with my husband while watching Lord of the Rings. (another Fall tradition).
884. My children gathering and pasting fall leaves to frame.

885. Bills paid.


...continuing on with my 1000 gifts of thanks.

cinnamon sticks

Cinnamon sticks ride the lazy waves on the simmering water as their spicy, warm fragrance sifts through each room announcing that Fall has arrived.

The bare, carefree wooden planks in the family room have settled under the warm fleece of the Alpaca rug. Balmy colours of summer have been replaced by cozy, wrap-yourself-in-warmth blankets.

Naked toes and bony knees of my children have retreated under covered shoes and warm cotton clothes.

Brand new backpacks' bellies are expanded full with wooden pencils boasting scuff-free red tops; crisp, white paper begging for scribbles and scrawlings and tiny shoes that ache for excited feet to fill their soles.

I stare at my calendar and try to prepare myself for all the important firsts...first day of school, first friends, first teacher, first wave good-bye, first lunch away, first night at home telling me tales - that I did not witness first-hand. 

And this is when the truth settles deep into my heart: these are their firsts - not mine. 


I have lived a lifetime of firsts and there are still many more to discover. Tomorrow is a new day... I just need to decide what to do first.

A look back at this week in thanksgiving for many firsts I got to experience for myself, and through my children:

857. My first homemade apple pie (I think I like this pie making thing...)
858. Packing my daughter's new backpack.
859. Counting down the days with my son until his first day of kindergarten.
860. Tiny pink ballerina slippers for my daughter's first dance class.
861. First time planning our women's bible study brunch.
862. Watching an outdoor movie at Leah's house with all the kids snuggled warm.
863. Daughter's first eye exam (she passed ;)
864. First colours of Fall.
865. First time I called my neighbour to send my son home for dinner. (so very grown up!)
866. First time my son crossed the road without me by his side.
867. First glimpses into who my little ones are going to grow up to be.

mighty to save

This past week I have been living both ends of the emotional spectrum - and God has been with me in my actions, reactions and consequences.

His love wraps around me in times of turmoil, doubt, fear, anger - insulating me from my own self. It is because of His unconditional presence that I am able to see His light when shadows threaten to overtake....

851. My very first homemade saskatoon berry pie.
852. Kids who live such simple truths.
853. The strength to take things day by day.
854. Birthday celebrations.
855. Son's homemade birthday card for his daddy.
856. God's word in a melody that my heart needed so desperately to hear.

simply waiting

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the simple life. I wonder if things have become too fast, too easy, too instant. 

Grandpa turns 91 next month. So much has changed over his lifetime.  

Have things become easier? Or, have we too easily let things become us? 

There was a lot of waiting in times past. Waiting, in turn, birthed time for rest.

Now, my efficiencies have eroded the delicate balance between work and play. More technology screams for more attention. Hours burn quickly under the heat of the now.

Waiting - like clothes drying under the hot summer sun - is a lost art.

I often forget why I am rushing in the first place. It is like the beating of my very heart is tied to Father Time's own wrist. Tick. Tock. Invisible handcuffs that hold me down.

I long to be released from time's merciless hold.

My eyes set on Grandpa's quiet hands. His hands are etched with lines of his own battles with time.

I think he has drawn them quite well. 

Rather than clutching to do lists and to gain lists, his hands are rested in prayer. Words of thanks and praise delivered simply from his lips, heart, and hands.

These lessons, that come from God's own hands, are the ones I want to pass onto my children:  patience, tenderness, rest.

I prayerfully wait, watch and listen for the lessons.

"May the favour of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands." Psalm 90:17

Photos: clothesline hung at the Young farm, barbed wire lost in time, Grandpa's resting hands, my son resting his hand in his great-grandfather's palm. 

Freeze-Framing Life over @ Claire B

shooting stars

Shooting stars interrupt the brilliance of the sparkling galaxies - and we, who are bundled up against the cool summer night and gathered close by the glowing embers - are awed into mono-syllabic exclamations of the meteor shower. With our necks tilted back and our eyes trained on the praire skies - we cannot help but gasp at the wonder of God's heaven-lit canvas.

And as I gaze upon the tens upon millions of stars in the sky, I am humbled that He knows my name and continues to light up my world with His blessings....

823. Celebrating my mom's birthday with Tuesday's with Morrie dinner theatre.
824. My husband and I laughing at our ignorance while shopping for my son's hockey equipment (to be fair, we are both basketball players).
825. Cash to pull us through to the next paycheque.
826. Adding another mark on our children's height chart.
827. Watching my son do his 'wiggle' dance to the music of Tim McGraw.
828. Hiding under blanket tents with my daughter.
829. Strong arms of my husband around my shoulders.
830. Dark clouds that backdrop late summer's colours.
831. Son who writes a 'P' for packing on our calendar - he was most excited for the weekend camping trip.
832. Borrowed books on how to plant my own garden next spring.
833. Fifteen foot wooden table set with the finest camping indulgences.
834. Welcoming hugs.
835. Breath-taking scenery to enjoy.

836. The sounds of children giggling as they adventure with their Lady Wanda and the Duke.
837. Frizzy, messed up, early morning hair on my little girl.

838. Great grandpa coming for a visit.
839. Picking wild saskatoons in the late August sun with my mother-in-law.
840. Hearing stories of chance meetings and life-time loves.
841. Sparklers in the hands of children on a dark August night.
842. Shooting stars across the Alberta night sky.
843. Soft words that capture the imagination of children.

844. Games of chess according to my daughter's rules.

845. Peanut butter, milk chocolate, marshmallow (with a dollap of raspberry jam) smores.
846. Hot tea on a cool night.
847. The sighs of my children as they sleep beside me in the tent.
848. Eagerness to pick some more strawberries.
849. My dog sleeping in the shade after a day of running.

850. Husband's smile.