breathing in and breathing out

To say 2010 has been a tough year is a vast understatement.

I have witnessed first hand the destructive forces of the dark one - his seething, soul-thirsty hands wrapped tightly around my throat and around the one I love. I have shed salty tears,  moaned in defeat and screamed in agony as my heart was squeezed so tightly that my pulse was but a mere tremor in the enemy's filthy hands. I woke trembling many late nights, filled with fear and devastation. I have felt the gaping chasm of loneliness, my own fears echoing loud in my heart. I have ached hard as I watched the disease take over the light in his eyes. I have barked toothless threats, only to roll over in defeat. It hurts.

Evil destroys. Breaks apart. Shatters hope.

It is during these excruciating times that I cling to God's word that I am His. And He will not let me go. In crisis, He is with Me...calling and shouting my name.

God sings me these words: (Alive Again by Matt Maher)

"I can see the light before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted and broke through my deafness
You shattered my darkness and washed away my blindness
I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again"



And so for this night, when my heart aches, I will call and shout to GOD. I want YOU. I need YOU. And He will hold me close while I breathe in and breathe out. I am ALIVE with Christ. I am HIS.

mighty to save

This past week I have been living both ends of the emotional spectrum - and God has been with me in my actions, reactions and consequences.

His love wraps around me in times of turmoil, doubt, fear, anger - insulating me from my own self. It is because of His unconditional presence that I am able to see His light when shadows threaten to overtake....

851. My very first homemade saskatoon berry pie.
852. Kids who live such simple truths.
853. The strength to take things day by day.
854. Birthday celebrations.
855. Son's homemade birthday card for his daddy.
856. God's word in a melody that my heart needed so desperately to hear.

Fingerprints on my sword

The pitted metal sword hangs heavily by my side. My once-broad shoulders are heaved forward, betraying any sense of strength. Thunder clamours in the distance, producing echos that form the primal base tones of fear, hatred and abandonment.

The sky is charcoal black, allowing the shadows to skulk freely as the territorial lines have been blurred in the absence of the Son. The battle against the enemy is in the darkest hour. Much has been lost and there is little room for hope. The stench of defeat hangs in the still air.

A tiny gleam of the setting sun flashes off my sword. My eyes wearily track the light as it descends into the darkness. The hissing follows, each syllable latching onto my ear, permeating my consciousness. "You should have done more....you should have seen this coming....you could have prevented this....where is your Saviour now?" My deep-seeded sorrow heaps itself around these words, forming toxic weeds that threaten to smother all that is left of hope. My head bows, my knees buckle and my heart bleeds.

A single tear makes its way down the familiar crease of my frown - and with it, my last prayer for strength. My words, barely audible as they slip through my parched lips "Lord, I am too weary to fight. I have lost the battle - there is nothing left I can do." I moan in defeat.

The night is long, the path is overgrown and the enemy has broken through my defenses. I cannot possibly win this battle by myself.

"You are correct..." The whisper stirs my soul. I listen with all that remains of my strength, "you cannot do this alone." My eyes close to search for the voice - I know that voice. "You have been using the wrong sword. Your earthly sword cannot penetrate the powers of the dark world nor reach the spiritual forces of evil the heavenly realms. You will suffer defeat if you are not strong in Me and in My mighty power."

"Put on the full armor of God so that you can take a stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying." (Ephesians 6: 10-18).

And so I pray. I pray that God will suit me up in His armour. I pray He will form an army of prayer warriors to stand by my side in battle. I pray for the man who is lost. I pray for the children of casualty. I pray for Him to hold my hand. I pray for Him to heal my wounds. But most of all, I pray that I hear Him.

And so I listen and watch.

And even in the throws of battle, I cling to His voice and I see His fingerprints on my sword. I am not alone.

Here is the armour God presented to me this past week:
489. The word grace. I've heard him whisper this word to me often over the past week. Numerous songs infused with grace, dishtowels handmade by my Grams with the word grace embroidered on it, dreams of grace, mentions of grace, melodies in my head...
490. Prayer warriors by my side: dear friends, Pastor and wife, parents, siblings, cousins and even strangers who have now become my lifeline.
491. Baked goods and meals prepared with love and prayers.
492. Clinging to my bible as I sleep at night.
493. Artistry of my littlest bro.
494. Worship songs.
495. Letters of encouragement.
496. Phone calls of support.
497. Kleenex.
498. Childcare for my children.
499. Opportunity for a work contract.
500. Hearing my children sing my favourite song: "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do - for YOU!"
501. One day at a time.
502. Birthday wishes from loved ones, especially my son telling me "I am his prettiest birthday girl, ever."
503. Strong embraces.

For these I am thankful.

(Picture credit: drawn exclusively for me by my littlest bro, Matt. LOVE HIM)

When

When tears burn my cheeks, my very self is shaken to the core, and my soul heaves in grief - it is especially now that I must remember, and gain strength from, God's graces in my life.

479. My children. A constant reminder of hope.
480. Pastor, his wife and my believer friends.
481. My parents, brothers and family.
482. Hugs that hold me up.
483. Prayer warriors.
484. Knowing that God will never abandon.
485. My life.
486. Tears that help release.
487. Whispers of encouragement.
488. Trying to Let Go and Let God.

Splintered hope

The bible lays on my kitchen floor. The cold slabs of tile mimic the harshness of the tomb where my Saviour lays. Tears of hurt, resentment, bitterness and hopelessness form angry rapids that rage through the dark canyon of His tomb.

But even the morbid darkness cannot suffocate the light of hope. There it shines, a sliver of light dressing the Holy Word in a spectrum of colour. The light creases the folds of the shadows and radiates through the Cross - foreshadowing the eternal treasure on the other side of the rainbow.
The blood-stained key to my salvation was carved out of a splintered cross that held my Saviour. His tortured body hung in my place to receive the hate-filled lashings of my sinful flesh. Even in his darkest hour, his outstretched arms always remained open to bare my sins. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34 NIV

Father, forgive me for ever doubting your love. You see all, know all, and gave all.

"For God so loved the world that he gave up his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 NIV
And it is through this belief that we may confidently set our gaze upwards, secure in His light.

this moment

Inspired from Soulemama:

{this moment} - A Saturday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

When life hands you lemons...

Today was a lesson in taking the lemons life hands you, and well, making blueberry lemon muffins.

I came across a wonderful blog (Joy Ever After) that featured a recipe for scrumptious blueberry lemon muffins, along with a great way to spread some sunny cheer with my neighbours (click here to download Amanda's template for the neighbour gift tag). Really, who doesn't enjoy the surprise of freshly baked muffins at your door? Instant joy. I love the zest lemons give to life.

This moment

Inspired from Soulemama:

{this moment} - A Saturday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. (ps - I cheated on this one. This is one of my favourite pics, as my camera won't download right now)

Letting go

We have been facing some real challenges in our family over the past few months. The words that keep surfacing in my heart are "Let go, Let God".

Lately my faith has been more of a pleading to my Father to deliver me from pain, anxiety, worry, anger, frustration, and loneliness. Isn't it predictable that when I am most needy, every waking thought (and my dreams) consist of pleads to God to restore? When times are good, I chat with God much more casually, thanking Him for His blessings at the end of the day; creating almost a feeling of entitlement.

I have to believe that this valley of darkness has a purpose, that this experience will refine me into a greater child of God. As Psalm 23 says, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil for you are with me, your rod and staff, they comfort me." God's very words promise that I will make it through this valley - and He will never leave my side.

What words give you a beacon of light in dark times?