Monday

126. Spontaneous outings with Nana.
127. Big Macs
128. I love you this much (arms outstretched) by daughter and son
129. Warm home on a windy day
130. Washing machine (I can't imagine having to handwash everything!)
131. Hugs from mom
132. Full fridge
133. Dozing daughter
134. Movies for son
135. Reliable income
136. Plans to see Jody
137. Gift ideas for loved ones (shhhhh!)
138. Homemade chocolate chip cookies from little neighbour boy
139. Enjoying hot chocolate and marshmallows with son
140. House to call our own.

Fingerprinted in my heart

My windows are a mess. Really.

Smeared. Dirty. Fingerprinted. Some days I can barely see past my own reflection.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Looking closer, what do my eyes see in this window? I see tiny handprints from my children's play. I see the larger thumbprint of big brother from when he leaned against the window while balancing on the outside rock bed. I see chalked-stained swirls from when brother and sister stood side by side creating their art. I even see marks of Piper's snout as she nudged the window impatiently, wanting to be set free outside to run with the kids in an impromptu game of tag. I see water drip marks from daughter trying her hand at watering the flowers, every once and awhile distracted from the task at hand, allowing the hose its freedom to splash the transparent glass pane.

I see life.

There will be a time when my windows are perfectly clear, when my house is in order, when laundry is all folded and put away. But I am not in a hurry to see that. Instead, I will put away my window cleaners (for now) and join my children in their play. And maybe tomorrow I'll add my thumbprint to the window to prove I was here. In the now.

Life is good.

Saturday morning musings

A continuation of things I'm thankful for...

117. A hot cup of Earl Grey tea in the morning.
118. Waking up to both my babies sleeping in our bed. Makes it a BIT squishy with four people on a queen-sized bed (thank goodness Piper prefers her kennel).


119. Listening to the kids talk to each other during pretend play. It's amazing how much they pick up from listening to me and my husband.
120. Receiving my first big cheque for consulting!!!!! GLORY GLORY!!! And God's timing is perfect, we just paid our flooring bill, and that evening, my cheque was in the mailbox :)
121. Popcorn, peanut M&Ms and cuddle time on the couch with my husband.
122. Beautiful September morning, complete with warm rays of sunshine.
123. Chatting with one of my dearest friends on IM this morning. (unexpected surprise)
124. Magical mommy kisses for when my kids get hurt. I hope that magic never wears off.
125. Watching how open little kids hearts can be to make new friends without a worry in the world. Maybe life really can be that simple...

Lost and insecure

"Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, where were you?" I love this song (You found me)by the Fray.

Insecurity is a beast that lives within me. I find it rears its ugly head when my life veers too much over the centre line and I am colliding with fatigue, frustration and a four-year old. In the wreckage everything gets murky. I am disoriented. Panicked. Scared. What if the weight of my own expectations, pride and fear crush me? Fear breeds panic, panic breeds fear.

"Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?" It's easy to feel abandoned by reason and faith when my eyes are closed.

But He never loses sight of me. "Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me." Unlike the song, God does bring me messages and letters in the form of my children, my friends and family, and even in something as simple as a warm breeze. God is not late. God has always been here. God is waiting. For me.

I am not alone. YOU found me, YOU found me. And in that, I can feel secure.

Gods' blue...

I've been struggling with my four-year old this week *being a mommy is tough sometimes*. I figure the best way to get me out of this slump is to count my blessings...
101. My blue bracelet to remind me of my sisters who are also on this motherhood journey. I am not alone.
102. My faith tattoo. It inspires me in ways I never thought possible.
103. Blue light reflected off my crystal heart charm on my rear view mirror. Blue is certainly taking on a special meaning lately. *hi God*
104. Agility classes with Piper. I am so proud of my smart, pretty puppy!
105. Husband to take care of the bedtime routine for the kids tonight.
106. Yummy one-dish supper wonder. (ask me about it if you'd like)
107. Delivering son's mail to Nana, just because he wanted to. And because he coloured his letters purple :)
108. Frozen hot chocolate from Second Cup.
109. Time to think.
110. Safe journey home at night. I really don't like driving in the dark.
111. The Fray cd. Man, is it good.
112. One Tree Hill season five. I'm really enjoying it. Ever notice how many of the Fray's songs are on that show?
113. Hugs from my hubby after a really long day at home with the kids.
114. The smell of my children after their bath and all warm and cozied up in their pjs.
115. Goodnight kisses for my sleeping angels before I go to bed.
116. Watching a live band perform at a friend's house. That was so cool. *thanks*

100 reasons...

77. Celebrating Grandpa's 90th birthday with family. What a treat.
78. Laughing as we all were pelting each other with peanuts during Grandpa's peanut scramble.
79. Seeing God's artwork first hand while horseback riding on the Alberta prairies.
80. Watching the three musketeer cousins play so well together (well, except for the 'rock incident' ;)
81. Portable DVD player to afford some quiet time with the kids.
82. Being served a gourmet home-cooked breakfast meal at the B&B.
83. Watching my kids fall asleep.
84. Second Cup hot chocolate.
85. Seeing my son beam as he excitedly jumps up and down in anticipation of the rides at the Calaway park.
86. Watching the huge grin on husband's face as he watches our son's giddiness.
87. Hugging daughter tight when she realized she does not like fast rides.
88. Strawberry-banana milkshake from Peter's Drive-In. Mmmmmmm.
89. Parents who can watch Piper for us.
90. Grandpa.
91. Smoothie-faced kids.
92. Thirteen years with my man.
93. Knowing we get rid of our gross carpets tomorrow!!!!
94. Clean laundry (ten loads later!)
95. The smell of honey-garlic chicken baking in the oven.
96. Anticipation of husband's face when he smells what's for dinner tonight :)
97. Playing with Piper.
98. Playing in the pool outside in late September.
99. Listening to Rod's play by play while driving home from Calgary.
100. Excitement for husband's faith journey.

love cookie

"Mommy, do you want to have your love cookie now?"

My son is standing in front of the warm cookies, his back facing me and his hand hovering over the heart-shaped cookie. On a whim, he asked me to make some leaf and heart-shaped cookies with the cookie cutter I received as a wedding favour a few days ago. He had been itching to use it since he first saw it laying on the counter beside my purse.

When he asked, I was cuddled up on the couch listening to a favourite lullaby cd of mine and reading through the Time Traveller's Wife. Daughter was fast asleep upstairs, and moments ago, son was playing sesame street games on the computer. A rare moment of quiet in a house whose walls are usually vibrating with high-pitched Velociraptor-like shrieks, barks of a collie chasing my two-year old's stroller as she zooms-zooms her way around the house in a high speed chase of her older brother. So here stands my son at the foot of the couch, looking at me with his blue-green eyes, already starting to vibrate up and down in anticipation of my answer.

The truth is, a week ago I would of probably made up some excuse about me not having the right ingredients for the sugar cookies in a desperate attempt to bypass the layers of flour and sugar on the floor, providing the perfect dusting to track his little boy footprints and a sinkload of dirty baking dishes (only a quarter of these dishes used by me).

But as of late, things have been different. After two years of being a SAHM, I think I am finally settling into it. I am slowly starting to separate myself from my own competitive self, from my own brainwashing, from my own expectations. Lately, I haven't been as compulsive (it's a big step for me) about the countertops being crumb-free, being on-top of the laundry, or even what time it is once we sit down for supper. I am (embarrassingly) finally starting to get that my kids don't care about housekeeping or even if their clothes are clean. And while I am a LONG way from being okay with my husband taking the kids to the park in their pajamas (that's a story for another time), I am starting to lower my expectations of myself, and in doing so, life has become so much fuller than I ever could have expected.

So, yes my little boy, I will have that love cookie now...maybe even two.

baby powder bliss

Is it weird that I love the way my daughter smells?

She's sitting on my lap right now as I type, clenching a black metal-tip pen in her right fist, scribbling her artwork on random yellow post-it notes. She is singing a song, words known only to her, and every once and awhile she dips her head back into my chest, nuzzling me close.

I take in the scent of her freshly washed hair from last night's bath. The smell of baby lotion on her flawless skin. She still has a milk moustache from this morning's breakfast, and as she shifts in my lap, little puffs of baby powder scent rise and linger in my senses.

I love to gather her close to me as I try to memorize everything about her; the softness of her chubby cheeks, the enormous blue eyes that blink in tandem as she asks me 'why?', the chipped purple fingernail polish on her tiny fingernails and rows of tiny baby pearls that line her gums.

She is my daughter ~ one of a kind. In these moments that I long for time to stand still, I am grateful for who she is now, and excited to see who she will become.

Until then, I'll hold her close and take it all in.

Me, my dog & God.

It's a hot September day and my dog and I are walking in the woods. I am listening to the wind gently caress the leaves, and together they sing back rhythmic whooshing sounds, as if God was showing off His love for details, just for me. The mighty poplar trees, grounded by their creeping roots, line my path, allowing me to wind whichever way my dog and I are guided. The autumn sun plays peek-a-boo with me through the lines of the trees, every once and awhile catching my eyes with a surprise blinding. The clinkity-clink of Piper's dog tags set the rhythm of our walk.

Sometimes I pause and press my hand against the worn bark of a tree. Folds and crevices throughout mark the seasons gone by. Its lush green canopy now glowing yellow, thinned by the shifting placement of the sun.

It's only in the midst of the forest that I feel small. No longer am I the one towering above others. I am dwarfed by God's beauty.

But I do not feel insignificant.

Today I feel treasured and known by Him.

I watch a yellow leaf surrender itself to the breeze, curving and inverting during its graceful decent. What beauty God has embedded in a single, fallen leaf! And what beauty God has embedded in each of us. He is just waiting for us to fall into Him - gently, beautifully and fully.

Happy Fall everyone.

Life happens.

Today was a great lesson in living in the moment ~ and I think I passed.

Today was supposed to be spent at Galaxyland with Bevy and her family. Son and daughter were really excited to go on the rides, and so was my wallet (as daughter is free and son is only $10). So this morning I packed up the kids, goldfish crackers, water bottle, diapers and the kitchen sink (well, almost) and off we went to the cross-country - alright, cross city - trip to the west end. After meeting up with Bevy, finding a great parking spot, unloading the kids and cargo, and shuffling hand-in-hand towards the mall entrance...we arrived. At. the. wrong. time.

Alas, the tall green steel gates presented a very real wrinkle in our best-laid plans. Galaxyland was closed. And son's mouth was wide open. In protest.

Oh-oh.

But Bevy was fast on her feet and she came up with a plan. There is a great park nearby - we can take the kids there. And so we went.

And here's where I learned the real lesson. If a four-year old can adjust to the idea that he will not be going on way cool rides that mommy promised, that he can see, right there, right in front of him...if a four-year old can adjust to a new plan, one that we hadn't discussed, one that would take him away from the rides...if a four-year old can move on to the next thing, and forget about best laid plans and instead kick off his shoes in the park sand...then maybe that's what living in the moment is all about.

Life is not about planning, anticipation and expectations. Life's moments are about spontanaeity, presentness and experiencing.

Truth be told, the children probably had a better time at the park than any mechanical ride in the stuffy mall. Instead of watching blinking lights and hearing the beeps and horns at the amusement park, we were amused in the park by giggles, clapping and happy sighs as our children breathed in the fresh air and soaked up the warm autumn sunshine.

I couldn't have planned a better day. (Thanks Bevy).

it's the little things

61.being able to write straight from my heart
62. having a great mother-in-law who picks up on all the little things that make life so worth living.
63. extra carseats so my parents can whirl their grandkids away for a sleepover.
64. time to myself.
65. getting great mason jars from my mother and using them as inspiration for my writing.
66. Taking Piper to the dog park all by myself (which is a big step for me) and making new friends
67. Great friends (Michelle and Mark) who helped us out with a new brake light for our van.
68. That husband didn't hit anyone when he broke our taillight and rear bumper (see post 67)
69. The excitement knowing that husband is making great strides in his career.
70. Being able to help a friend out with childcare.
71. Cool mornings, a hot cup of earl grey and silence.
72. A brand new office desk!
73. The courage to make this an open blog.
74. Late night chats with Amy.
75. Blue skies and a soft Autumn breeze.
76. Being able to earn some money through contract work (and moms to help ease the childcare load!)
77. Simple picnic lunch packed by hubby for our family to eat while at the dog park. Son picked the perfect log for us to rest and nourish ourselves. The hard-boiled eggs, cucumber and tomato sandwiches and celery sticks were inspired by husband's mom's picnic lunch choices. The melody of kids giggling, leaves crunching under our feet and Piper's tags jingling provided the perfect symphony for my soul.

i love a rainy day

Rain, rain, come our way

so we can run and laugh and play

in the puddles, on the street,

we love raindrops on our feet!

Jars of time

Rows and rows of glass jars line the wooden shelves. I gaze at them, my mind racing excitably, pondering the treasures I will choose to fill them with. My mother-in-law's voice in the background, inviting me to select from her stockpile.

I pause, my eyes lingering on the tall, square-bottomed mason jars. I already envision the earl grey tea bags placed in seemingly random order, presenting themselves along the curves of the jar, lined perfectly beside another jar of white beans that are waiting for the crisp winter day slow bake in the oven. Torn bottoms of cardboard boxes, ripped open manufactured plastic bags, half-sealed ziplock bags now replaced with gleaming, transparent, orderly, bronze-rimmed mason jars. Picture perfect. Martha perfect. Pantry perfect.

As I load my kitchen treasures into my arms, Wanda's words of her mother wrap around me like a blanket. "Some of these jars were used by my mother, and she passed them onto me," Wanda remembers.

This same cold jar, heavy with memories, sits in my hand. The words Dominion MASON WIDE MOUTH are etched into the finger-printed glass, the bronze rims tarnished and forever marked by days gone by, the seals worn ~ gently breathing a soft popping sound as my fingers absently play with the seal. Used by her mother, used by my husband's mother, now used by me, a mother. Three generations. Two handfuls of jars. One title of mother.

My quest is an orderly pantry. What of the others? What treasures were poured into these jars in the yesteryears?

I suppose with a family of eight living in a one-room home in a small Alberta town, Grandma Bieber had limited resources and infinite appetites to worry about. Pickled beets, freshly packed jams, garden-grown carrots were undoubtedly preserved in these same glass jars.

What else filled these jars? Was Grandma worried about tomorrow's dinners? As the sauces simmered on the stove, did she wonder if she did enough? Did she wonder what to feed her children ~ beyond just filling their appetites, did she wonder how to feed their faith? Days fold over to weeks, weeks sprout into months, and years grasp our youth and season us with age. Through it all, the same set of hands carefully prepare the earth-bound prizes, the same tender fingers grip the bronze ring and turn gently to the right, sealing the jar for tomorrow's nurturing needs.

Like these jars, I want to hold nurturing wisdom within, ready to satiate my children's appetites for faith. I hold the same jar held by Grandma decades earlier. I am now the mother of a young family. My fingers now have to form the seal. I look to God to fill me with His heavenly treasures, sealing me with His spirit and readying me for nourishment. Lined up, labelled, transparent and timeless.

Just like Grandma.

One millimetre at a time....

Today was a busy day filled with friends, saws, hammers, sweat and tonnes of patience.
56. Fantastic friends and family giving up their Saturday to help us install our new flooring.
57. Leading a caravan to Costco with Bevy and Lisa and the six kids in tow.
58. Watching Joshie "working" on the new floors with the guys.
59. Giggling at an SNL skit with Mikey
60. Watching the kids play in the summer rain.

Take me out to the ball game...

Today was indeed a day full of blessings. Here are some I'd like to share with you as part of my 1000 gifts gratitude journal.

43. Waking up on my own schedule ~ sans les enfants ;)

44. Going shopping with Lisa at WEM. And being blessed enough to charge $$ on my credit card without worrying too much (I think the credit card is still smokin')

45. Finding a kick-ass belt! (yes, Lisa ~ we'll find a way for you to borrow it, as long as I can borrow some of your new shirts :)

46. The satisfying taste of ice-cold green tea lemonade on my parched tongue.

47. The taste of fresh, homemade raisin bread from Lady Wanda's bread maker.

48. Watching my daughter skip quickly to me when she saw me walking up the driveway.

49. Seeing my son doze contently in his carseat.

50. A nana and papa who are genuinely happy to see their grandkids...and feed and bathe them for me. (I am so lucky, it's not even funny...)

51. Enjoying a warm August night at the Edmonton Capitals baseball game. Great conversations, pics and baseball mementos.

52. Genuine conversations with Allie ~ thanks, friend.

53. Coming home to a puppy who absolutely loves me and is always happy to see me.

54. Being able to "afford" a totally extravagent yoga jacket from lululemon...I love it ~ mostly because it fits me (long arms and all!)

55. I'm thankful for those who read my blog...and that I don't feel alone. Thank you.

today's treasures

27. Having the opportunity to take a walk with my kids and dog to the park. It was so refreshing not to have to 'be' anywhere. I purposely left my watch at home. I loved watching the kids marvel at the ducks in the wetlands...pointing at the webbed feet, the holes in their bills and laughing as the ducks did their water landing. I loved walking through the wetlands and seeing autumn leaves fluttering to the ground and knowing I didn't have anywhere else to be except there with my kids.
28. Listening to my son talk about preschool and how excited he is to paint in class.
29. Knowing that mommy kisses still soothe a four-year old with scraped knees.
30. Hearing exciting news about Lisa's return to work.
31. Brushing my daughter's hair.
32. Feeling my daughter snuggle close to me just before she falls asleep for her nap.
33. Sharing my excitement over this blog with my mom.
34. Enjoying a spontaneous dinner date with Lisa and the kids on her patio.
35. Watching my son play at the spray park. He doesn't care if he knows the other kids' names. He just wants to make friends and have fun. And if they aren't interested, he knows it's not personal. He just moves on to the next friend. I have so much to learn from him.
36. Magical sleepovers at Lady Wanda and Duke's house.
37. Son's concern over my scrape. "Oh my, mommy. That doesn't look good." And daughter offering to 'kiss it better' (BTW -I didn't have her kiss my foot...)
38. Going on a movie date with my husband ~ even if the movie SUCKED ;)
39. Going to sleep knowing I get to sleep in tomorrow *grin*
40. Learning more about this blog technology. I'm impressed.
41. Singing really loud (totally off-key) to my Doc Walker cd (LOVE IT!) on the Henday while making waves with my hand out the open window (and totally not caring if anyone saw me).
42. Watching my kids delight in eating cookie dough straight out of the mixing bowl outside on a hot summer day.

Uh-oh

I am so selfish.

Not in an evil way, but I am definitely putting my needs, no, it's my wants, first. I LOVE this blog site and the freedom I have to write what is on my heart and soul. It's so liberating, creative, therapeutic...

addictive.

I wish you could see me right now. I am peering over my daughter's shoulder as she is standing on my lap hugging my neck tight, shifting positions, crawling all over my computer desk. She is cooing at the dog - calling her honey, smiling and chattering along. And my eyes are absolutely fixed on this screen. I WANT TO WRITE! And my daugher wants her mother. It's a battle of the wills. And we're both stubborn. I'm bigger - but she is definitely cuter. But what's that...could that be the theme song for Dora? Oh, it's captured my adorable, squirmy, blueberry stained mouth daughter's attention....which leaves me about five minutes to write before she comes down to play with mommy.

I just feel so called to write - to share my experiences. To form community with those who can relate with my struggles. Joys. Accomplisments. Sorrows. Through this blog, I hope to strengthen my faith and my connection to God. Tasting his word and craving more: "How sweet your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" (Ps 119:103).

I'm addicted.