Sub-consciously my leg starts bouncing, my foot tapping in place, speeding up to match the racing of my mind. My breathing, almost always shallow, adds to the pace. Everyday I compete in this marathon, and every night, I collapse into a restless state - slowed only by the weight of sleep.
The thing is, I have no idea what I am racing towards. Even on days that have no formal demands on my time, I am still in a rush to go, to do, and to be. Rushing to go downstairs and make a healthy meal. Rushing to do a load of laundry. Rushing to be the best mom to my kids.
An invisible stop-watch ticks, its nano-second markers heard only by me. But it sets the beat of my heart. Tick tick tick tick. My life is crudely compartmentalized into 60 minute segments.
I know this isn't the way to peace. And I also know that children have a wonderful immunity to time constraints. They are not concerned about appointments, appearances or apologies.
Children do not bend to the elderly great grandfather clock - rather they turn away from his old, worn out face. And I know my saucy two-year old daughter would even stick her tongue out at old father time.
So why can't I?
Why do I insist on worshiping time? Why do I correlate my success/accomplishments with how much I can get done in one day? What is the hurry?
Is it really a race? And if it is, is the prize worth all the hurry and stress?
From an early age, I have been taught to multi-task. Get more done in less time. Our entire society exploits this mantra. Fast food, fast cars, fast-tracking.
I'm tired of running. I need to slow down.
As I watch my babies sleep, I am mesmerized by their slow, rhythmic breaths. Like my children,
I will take some long, deep breaths: inhaling the moment, exhaling the expectations.
Surely, I can make time for that.
love this! this is me too. i realized this a few years back when i'd literally run from my office to the secretary's office when no one was looking. one day i caught myself and had to laugh. however sometimes this skill us very useful, like when you need to clean the house in a flash! kids sure have a way of teaching one to slow down. it's a beautiful lesson.
ReplyDeleteHi Sherrie-Dawn,
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to meet you here...coming over from Holy Experience. And boy can I relate to this post. I am a go, go, goer -- an olympic-style multitasker. It's a real struggle, so I can hear what you are dealing with here!