The ultimate parent

I suppose if I were in a better mood, I would have laughed instead of berating myself. But my inner tug of war between 'my time' and 'being a good mom' was in overtime. In the time it took for my son to squeeze onto my chair behind me, a strong dose of selfishness out-muscled any good intention of parenting I had left. 'My time' was gloating as I pushed my son out of my chair and shooed him out the office door. In the second it took to shut the door, all feelings of self-righteousness were quickly smothered by the ultimate champion: GUILT.

You may find it ironic that when my son interrupted me, I was reading an article online about 'the myth of the perfect parent'. Huh.

Just this afternoon, I was reading a book about listening to God. Really listening to God - through dreams, conversations with others, songs...the list is endless. And now I'm thinking, what is God trying to tell me about parenting? At this moment, I view parenting as exhausting, thankless, consuming, emotional, irrational and never-ending. I wonder how God feels about parenting me.

But, somehow, all this frustration is erased the moment I sit beside my babies, long after they've fallen asleep. I become mesmerized by their tiny chests moving to the rhythm of their breath, their long lashes finally resting after a day of sights, and the warmth of their cheeks as I nuzzle in close to whisper I love you's.

And then I know how God feels about parenting me.

Tonight, I pray that I feel him kneeling over me as I sleep - knowing that He's with me for every breath, that His endless vision guides my sight, and that His warm whispers of I love you take away any chill of doubt.