sidelined

Life has a way of folding into itself.

Days merge into months, months age into years. Too many future plans have come and gone, leaving only pixelated proofs on my camera's memory card.

Each day is a deliberate choice to dive in or sit on the sidelines. I have wasted too many days sitting on the outside - orchestrating supports for others and yearning for the never-enough approvals. A dangerous cycle that will only lead to my own undoing.

I'm feeling undone. Messy. Unstable. Vulnerable.....ALIVE?

Frederick Buechner said,"Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next."

I feel God is using my tears and frustration to call me off the bench and into the game. I have been resisting, because I don't want to get hurt. Not again. My muscle memory runs too deep.

But life has to be more than just avoiding pain. Because as I have learned, pain will always find you. Even if you think you've avoided the shadows by staying on the well-lit moral and responsible road - you are still walking on a path that was paved by His blood and sealed with His desire for us to love and live. Sitting on the sidelines will only make you numb.

God knows me better than I know myself. He knows that only the lows of frustration will get me moving forward....to cross the line and walk towards the joys of living.

Today I savour the joys that God has enticed me with:

728. Family daytrip to the amusement park. 8 hours of driving for 5 hours of fun. Unquestionably worth it.

729. Bleeding heart plant.

730. 78 days of freedom.

731. Reconnections.

732. Weekend plans for a quiet retreat with a dear friend.

733. Reading time.

734. Thunderstorms.

735. Bible study.

736. Small pats on my back from my three-year old daughter.

737. Phrases that come out of my five-year old's mouth. Today he said that "greasy is French for slippery." LOVE that little boy.

738. Tears.

739. Fun rides with Uncle TJ.

740. Irresponsible splurges.

741. God never giving up on me.