fears and breadcrumbs

I've felt myself slipping lately.

Sleepless nights compounded with a frantic, hectic schedule leave me red-faced and panting, trying to keep up. Life is on speed, racing around the corners of the calendar without so much as a glance back to me. I am caught in the details, bogged down in a mess of anxieties. My attention has been sabotaged by the worries of today - those clever little woulda coulda shouldas have ripped my sight down, hard, inwards, to the ugliness of my inadequacies.

What if the very worst that people thought about me was true? Worse yet, what if the very worst I thought about myself was true? 

As knower of all my transgressions, by thought or action, I know the darkness that greedily feeds on my fears. This dangerous terrain of consciousness that knows no limits of space or time, sleep nor wakefulness, seeds of thought or full-bloomed action... where can I go to find refuge from myself?

I've conditioned myself that my fears are warnings to be heeded, that I need to protect myself. I need to act responsibly to make sure I won't can't be hurt by others. So I build walls. At first these walls were to keep people out so they couldn't hurt me. But now the walls are closing in, and I am the one who is kept away from others. I read a reminder today that asked "do my defences keep me safe, or do they isolate me?" Isolation and fear are a dangerous, toxic combination. I am gasping for air.

Like the fable of Hansel and Gretel, God has left me bread-crumbs to show me the way back home. Unlike the story, these breadcrumbs lie undisturbed, waiting for me - with no other agenda but to show me the way back to safety, to home. He has intentionally placed them in my sight, encouraging me to move towards His nourishment and away from my mind's prison. My focus is on His promise that I - who is torn, battered, bruised and deeply flawed - am made perfect through His grace. He continually whispers to my soul that everything will be fine, hang on, help is on the way, stay strong, trust that He is taking care of everything. His truth speaks clearly: I. AM. HERE.

I continue to grab handfuls of His breadcrumbs that He has left especially for me...

1262. Support meetings.
1263. Getting stronger.
1264. Mama who watches my babies.
1265. Waking up to thunderstorms.
1266. Drawings from my daughter.
1267. Son's excitement over another loose tooth.
1268. Knowing that even on my weakest days I get a bit stronger.
1269. The scent of rain.
1270. Watching my garden grow.
1271. Hope.
1272. God's faith in me.
1273. Telling myself I'll be okay.
1274. Family trip to amusement park with my best cousins.
1275. Kudos from my boss.
1276. Lunches at the picnic table by the pond.
1277. Vacation plans with my husband.
1278. Kissing my sleeping children's warm cheeks before I go to bed.
1279. Watching my son play hockey again.
1280. Laughter that comes so easy to my kids.
1281. Freshly washed sheets.
1282. Fresh flowers on my table.
1283. God-inspired words.