growth

This past weekend I was at a hockey game, on a mission to find the lone water fountain in a arena that seats tens of thousands to quench my non-pop drinking son's thirst (caused by fist-fulls of salty, scratchy popcorn shovelled into his mouth). A familiar face caught my gaze and I paused, searching my memory for his name. He said hi, and his girlfriend popped into my mind's focus. I knew them from my college basketball years. How long has it been? My mind was reeling through years of memories until it settled on 17. Seventeen years?!? We chatted briefly, as long ago friends do, talking about the hockey game, and catching the 30 second update on each others' lives. And then we waved goodbye and continued along our chosen paths.

As I filled up the water bottle, I was transported back to the girl I used to be. Layers of lessons and experience were peeled back to reveal a girl who longed for a place to belong. A big smile on the outside was all I could do to convince others that I was content - but it didn't work. My walk was set to shoulders curved inward, my shyness directed my eyes downwards, my clothes hung loosely on my awkward frame and my words were mumbled so as not to stand out. I had just started dating the only boy who had ever called me his. My days were spent attending classes that I had no idea where they led (I hadn't figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up), and my evenings were filled with basketball drills, running shoes and blue and white coloured jerseys and following other's directions. I was unknown - especially to myself.

When I came back to my seat, I told my husband (the boy who loved that girl all those years ago) that I ran into our old friends. He said he saw them too. Later that night I asked my husband if he thought I was different from those first years of college. He leaned over and told me that I have changed.

He said I have grown into myself. 

I pulled out an old picture of me. 

And I see it. I have changed. I no longer search for my place, or wonder about my worth. The experience of the past seventeen years has evolved that awkward eighteen-year-old girl into the God-loving woman I am today. I now know that I serve a purpose and that I am part of a greater plan that I have a role in. No imitations or impersonations - God loves me  - despite my faults, weaknesses and mistakes. I've grown to love me too.

This post was inspired by Emily.