sacrificial doubt

I remember growing up in the Catholic church and I would dread the beginning of Lent because it meant I had to give up something I really loved (at least that was my interpretation of it at the time). Many times I "fasted" from chocolate, all the while making sure all my friends and family knew it whenever the creamy, cocoa-laden, melt-in-my-mouth heaven-here-on-earth delicacy was served.  This went on for years, decades.

This year, Lent carries a whole new meaning of sacrifice for me. Old routines, comforts and securities have been made nearly unrecognizable, somedays reduced to a quivering mirage in the desert. Emotions of guilt, anger and loneliness burn white-hot at the centre of my soul. 

Doubt permeates my every thought, spreading cancerous half-truths to my parched, grumbling, weak centre of self.  And it is here - in this foresaken pit - that I finally understand what Lent really is about. 

I believe Lent is a time for me to be broken...to be lost and insecure and without any control. Because it is only when I am stripped of my worldly-born beliefs that I can fully be restored in the belief of the heavenly sent - My Saviour. 

This is when faith walks out of the fires of doubt...refined, reenergized and ready.

With faith, I am capable of letting go of doubt and its beastly minions. Each moment - and I must live moment to moment - carries the promise of faith. The cost of faith is to lay down my doubts and sacrifice my need for control. 

I look to Him to show me the way out of this desert...through faith and sacrifice...